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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25050430">Late Night Confessions</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saphirsilber/pseuds/Saphirsilber'>Saphirsilber</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Confessions [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Religious Themes, Sexual Identity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:48:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,418</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25050430</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saphirsilber/pseuds/Saphirsilber</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>„I don’t get it“, Jisung shovels a ridiculously big spoon full of stew in his mouth, „What’s so exciting about exploring your sexuality?“<br/>Chenle shrugs in response. He could tell Jisung about his whole coming out story but it’s still too early for these kinds of conversations. Maybe later, he thinks, when they‘re both on the kitchen floor. „I guess it’s just nice to be sure of what you like and what you don’t. Or who“.<br/>„I never explored my sexuality and I know for sure that I‘m straight“.<br/>Chenle huffs. They’re going to see about that. For a straight guy, Jisung has suspicious amount of queer friends. „How can you be so sure? Have you ever kissed a boy?“<br/>Jisung hesitantly shakes his head.<br/>„Then how do you know you’re straight?“<br/>„Because-“, Jisung makes a vague gesture. „I’m just not gay. Or bi. Or whatever- not that anything is wrong with you guys. It’s just not for me, for sure. Like, I can admit that guys are attractive but I‘m sure that I could never- yeah“.<br/>Chenle snorts again. That’s a lot of „sure“s for someone who never even tried out his options.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Felix (Stray Kids)/Zhong Chen Le, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Confessions [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759681</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>150</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey dear readers!<br/>This is the third part of my Confessions-series with the first part: Confessions On The Windowsill and part two: Confessions Dipped In Gold. I would recommend for you to read the first part but if you don’t you‘re still going to understand everything that’s going on.<br/>A quick thing I wanted to add: This is a Chensung story and I do feel comfortable with writing about them since they’re both considered adults where I‘m from. However the won‘t be any explicit sexual content in this story, maybe it’s going to be suggestive at some point but Jisung is younger than me so I absolutely don’t want to write about him like that.<br/>Have fun reading and stay safe!<br/>~Saphirsilber ♥️</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Chenle isn’t dumb. He knows what’s happening with him, he knows what it means when he looks at Jisung and gets the familiar tingles in his stomach. This is a crush, Chenle doesn’t know how serious it is yet but he knows that this shouldn’t happen. He shouldn’t crush on Park Jisung and more importantly, despite his crush he should still be able to enjoy a nice hookup with a nice girl. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His problem? Yesterday Chenle went out with Donghyuck (bad idea). They started their evening with tequila shots (an even worse idea), danced on the dancefloor (a slightly better idea) and by the end of the night Chenle went home together with a beautiful girl. They made out (good), he took off her shirt (good) and then he stared at her boobs for about five minutes. Five minutes and not even a spark of joy! Chenle excused himself, offered his hookup a glass of water and then walked her home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ruined me, Chenle thinks. Boobs are awesome, he absolutely loves a nice pair of tits but there is no fun in playing with boobs when all he can think about is Jisung‘s toned chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I‘m ruined“, he says and Renjun looks up from where he’s painting. Chenle still can’t believe Jisung would unknowingly take something so dear to him away: the joy of boobs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Is this about the stupid prank you pulled on Mark yesterday?“, Renjun asks and shoots him a weirded out gaze. It’s not about the prank on Mark (Chenle swapped his peanut butter and jelly sandwich for one with peanut butter and sriracha sauce) but he wishes it was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shakes his head. „I’m having a crisis“, Chenle explains while thinking about boobs. No, not even a tiny bit of arousal, what the fuck, boobs are great! What’s wrong with him?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Alright“, Renjun quickly packs his brushes and acrylics into his art supplies box and stands up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What are you doing?“, Chenle asks, briefly distracted from his current dilemma. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I’m packing my stuff because I don’t want to deal with your crisis“, Renjun says and picks his half finished painting up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You’re supposed to help me!“, Chenle calls out in disbelief. „Be a good friend and stuff, you know. Doing this thing where you intuitively feel what’s wrong and call me out on it“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Renjun sighs and for a brief moment it looks like he considers just walking out on him. He doesn’t, instead he pulls his chair back and takes a seat again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What’s wrong, Chenle?“, he asks with less enthusiasm than he hoped for. „I must warn you though. If you’re going to have a breakdown make it quick, I‘m meeting Jeno in an hour at the gym“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle takes a deep breath. „I was robbed!“, he exclaims and slams his hands down on the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„And what were you robbed of?“, Renjun rolls his eyes at his theatrical antics. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„My unconditional love for boobs!“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Right, I‘m leaving“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No wait“, Chenle grabs his arm and quickly lets it go again after a murderous glare by Renjun. „This is serious“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I remember that we had this exact conversation a few years ago“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Damn it, Renjun is right but Chenle has those memories stored in the very last corner of his brain because it’s impossible for him to forget about it but he doesn’t like to remember that year. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I don’t know what you’re talking about“, he lies through gritted teeth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh really?“, Renjun‘s smile is dangerously sweet. „Let me help you then. Lee Felix, does that ring a bell?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It does, it’s a fucking alarm bell that’s ringing and Chenle bites his lip because he can’t really deny Renjun‘s question. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No? I‘ll elaborate: You and me in our usual coffee shop, me trying to finish my geography project in time, you whining about the cute australian exchange student and how he ruined you because- and I want you to know that I’m quoting you- ‚I can’t stop thinking about his adorable freckles, Renjun. Wherever I look, suddenly nobody compares to him anymore, I can’t even find it in myself to appreciate boobs, I‘m ruined‘, those were your words. So I’m going to tell you what I told you back then: shut up and stop bothering me, it’s just a crush, that doesn’t make you any less bisexual“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I don’t think I like this conversation“, Chenle mutters. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They don’t talk about Lee Felix, ever. It’s an unspoken rule between the five of them, just like they don’t speak about Halloween 2014 or the hedgehog-incident. Or well, Jeno, Jaemin, Donghyuk and Chenle don’t talk about Lee Felix because Renjun was never afraid to call Chenle out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle knows it’s stupid but he still isn’t really over his ex boyfriend. It’s been more than three years and it was a first love anyways (the first love always hurts the worst). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lee Felix with cute freckles and plush lips, Lee Felix with his dark, promising voice, Lee Felix with his bright eyes and an even brighter smile. Lee Felix who is at the other side of the world and who never answered any of Chenle’s texts, who never picked up any of Chenle’s calls.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>___</b>
</p><p>
  <span>The story of Zhong Chenle and Lee Felix goes like this: </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s the last year of school and over the summer, everyone has grown up a little more. Jaemin finally got rid of his braces, Donghyuk got rid of his chubby cheeks, Jeno got rid of his lanky spaghetti-arms and Renjun got rid of his ridiculous voice breaks. Chenle himself didn’t really get rid of anything but he grew a little and his facial features became a bit sharper but that was it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first day of school is always a bit chaotic, new schedules, new faces, new classroom and new teachers. Donghyuk and Renjun managed to show up to art class half an hour late because Donghyuk accidentally locked himself up in a restroom stall, Jaemin completely forgot to bring his entire school bag and Jeno dropped all of his books in one of the busy hallways in between first and second period. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In fifth period they had chemistry class and Chenle got Lee Felix as his lab partner assigned. Lee Felix, who was an exchange student from Australia and Chenle fell immediately for his bright personality and his pretty smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As a result, he got an instant gay panic attack in the middle of class. He knocked over their experiment and got both of their notes drenched in thankfully only water, but it had gotten him a scolding from their teacher and even worse made him a blushing, stuttering mess in front of Lee Felix, who had laughed his gorgeous laugh and helped him clean up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He invited Lee Felix to sit with them for lunch and they got to know each other a little more. Chenle found out that Felix was staying with his grandmother for the time of his exchange year, that he loved swimming and rice cake but couldn’t eat spicy food, that he had the habit to bite his stunning, full lips and that he liked to listen to Ariana Grande. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the end of the break, Chenle was sure that he had a crush on Lee Felix. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The following weeks were a disaster. Chenle kept making a fool of himself in chemistry class and Lee Felix kept being the charming cause for his little accidents. Admitting to have a crush on Lee Felix was easy, admitting to have a crush on a boy not so much (not because Chenle was ashamed but because he thought that maybe that made him less of a bisexual, since he completely lost all interest in women). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the end, Renjun lost it over Chenle’s constant whining and set him an ultimatum to ask his labpartner out, or he would do it in Chenle‘s name. So he did, and Lee Felix smiled his prettiest smile and scribbled his number on Chenle’s arm with a „I thought you‘d never ask“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>From then on, it was all easy. They went to the arcade for their first date and then to the swimming pool for their second one and Lee Felix kissed Zhong Chenle in the afternoon sun in the parking lot, with wet hair from the pool and warm skin from the sun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next day, Lee Felix showed up to school holding Chenle’s hand and nobody was surprised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Being with Felix was easy, loving Felix even easier and kissing Felix Chenle’s favorite thing to do. They shared it all: their chaotic energy, their love for pancakes, their enthusiasm for video games, their first kiss, their first time, their first month anniversary. They spend countless nights playing games and watching cheesy films, spend hours upon hours kissing each other, spend their weekends at the pool and when the water became too cold for swimming, they moved over to the ice rink. Felix saw snow for the first time in his life and Chenle taught him how to build a snowman over Christmas break and Felix joined Chenle and his parents on their annual skiing trip (despite falling a hundred times a day into the wet, cold snow, because Felix couldn’t ski at all). They spend spring break together and they went camping on Easter, they whooped their finals and then, when Chenle was already making plans for countless bonfires at the river, for nights that they could spend stargazing in the soft grass, when Chenle was already thinking about taking Felix with him to China for his cousin‘s wedding, when Chenle had already bought a gift for their first anniversary, Lee Felix kissed the top of his nose and broke his heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because Lee Felix went back to Australia, three months earlier than Chenle expected. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So Chenle watched with tears in his eyes how Lee Felix packed his things, he held his small, cute hands until Lee Felix let go of him when they arrived at the gate and he waved back when Lee Felix turned back one last time to lock his eyes with Chenle one last time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then Lee Felix was gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Zhong Chenle was heartbroken. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>„What‘s wrong, kid?“, Donghyuk asks and effectively pulls Chenle back to reality. „I don’t like this look on your face“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle looks back at Donghyuk. They haven‘t seen him in three days but that’s okay. Sometimes Donghyuk needs to do his own thing because Donghyuk needs more than the monotony of their everyday life. Sometimes, Donghyuk needs to get away from them, so sometimes, Donghyuk goes on an adventure. There’s no need to worry though, Donghyuk always comes back (just like now in the middle of the night) and Donghyuk knows how to take care of himself (except this one time when Mark got a call from him in the middle of the night because Donghyuk woke up in a hotel room in Paris, naked and confused). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghyuk looks like he always does, when he comes back from one of his adventures. His hair is a mess, there’s glitter in places where glitter shouldn’t be, his makeup is smudged and he’s missing a sock. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What happened?“, Chenle asks even though he already knows that it’s unlikely that he’s going to get an answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghyuk shrugs. „Long story“, he sighs and plops down on the floor next to Chenle. He smells like smoke, sweat and adventure. Chenle thinks Donghyuk is like a paradise bird in between a bunch of pigeons: A bit too fancy, a bit too colorful, a bit over the top and a bit too lonely but with a pure heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Okay“, Chenle takes a sip from his tea. It’s cold because he spent too much time thinking about Lee Felix. Again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I know this look in your eyes“, Donghyuk says and places his head in Chenle‘s lap. „You’re sad“, he states. Sometimes Chenle forgets just how well Donghyuk knows his pigeons. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I don’t want to talk about it“, Chenle picks a feather from Donghyuk‘s hair. It’s pink and soft and doesn’t belong to a bird from the city. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a brief moment, none of them says a word. Donghyuk has his eyes closed and maybe he’s already asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You need to get over him“, he mutters, not even opening his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle knows. He’s trying. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>___</b>
</p><p>
  <span>„I think I’m not gay“, Jeno says randomly while they’re watching a movie. There was absolutely no reason for him to say that, and Chenle wonders how long exactly Jeno had been spacing out, not paying any attention to the latest James Bond Donghyuk convinced them to watch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh no, how are we going to tell Jaemin“, Renjun sarcastically mutters and rolls his eyes, before focusing back onto the screen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I‘m right here, asshole!“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I mean I‘m still in love with Jaemin, of course“, Jeno assures and it takes a lot for Chenle to stop his eyes from rolling. Ever since Jeno and Jaemin finally realized that they are very much in love they’ve become one of those disgustingly happy couples. „It’s just- as long as I can think I‘ve been in love with Jaemin-“, Jeno begins to elaborate but Donghyuk interrupts him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Sounds boring“, he snorts and Chenle adds a </span>
  <em>
    <span>just like your stupid James Bond </span>
  </em>
  <span>in his thoughts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„How am I supposed to know if I‘m maybe bi or something?“, Jeno asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>None of them says anything upon that and Chenle thinks that Jeno might have a point. After all, even Chenle himself thought for the longest time that Jeno was straight (and who can blame him, Jeno is just the stereotypical straight guy, he’s into cars and sports and Chenle totally caught him staring at their hot substitute teacher’s breasts in eighth grade). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Who cares?“, Donghyuk throws in, either to break the silence or just to annoy Jeno (maybe both, Chenle thinks). „It’s just a label…“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And oh, Chenle knows from first hand experience that it’s not. Yes, it shouldn’t be important and yet Chenle absolutely hates to think back about the time when he wasn’t sure of his sexuality himself. He had been so lost, confused about what was going on, struggling to find answers. It was a relief to finally know that he wasn’t alone with those thoughts, that there were plenty of other people who were the same as him, that there was a word for how he was feeling. And Chenle remembers that it felt so good to finally be able to tell his friends why he was acting strange. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(„I‘m bisexual“, he said the day after he found out himself, slamming his tay onto the dirty table of the cafeteria. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You want to fuck bees?!“, Jeno had called out in horror, finally looking up from his English textbook and Chenle never regretted more that he befriended the four dumbest students of the school. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„We shouldn’t fuck bees, we should safe them“, Donghyuk had considered, sending him an offended gaze and showing off his ‚safe the bees‘ pin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle had been about to explain that no, he did </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> want to fuck bees, what the hell, when Renjun spoke up, the arguably only other one in their friend group who had more than three braincells and acutallly used them from time to time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No, he said he’s bi, you idiots“, Renjun explained. „That means he’s into both,  men and women“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Thank god“, Jeno had said and then Jaemin had told them about how he dropped his beloved coffee that morning and whined on about it until they promised him to visit the small coffee shop at the corner after school together.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„He’s got a point though“, Chenle finally speaks up. „Sexuality is a part of your identity, especially you should know that, Hyuck. It sucks to not know who you are“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Automatically, his eyes fly over to the tall, lanky boy who’s currently ignoring the movie and their conversation for the sake of some mobile game he’s playing on his smartphone. Park Jisung, pain in the ass and subject of Chenle’s many daydreams.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle is used to being the smartest person in the room. He skipped one year of school because he learned everything so much quicker than the other kids and yes, that meant that he was also always the youngest but he didn’t mind, he could put up with his older classmates. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle never studied a lot for his tests and yet he still managed to score straight A‘s, he was good with remembering things (one time he mesmerized an entire chapter of their biology textbook overnight, just because Donghyuk dared him to). It wasn’t that Chenle was arrogant he just knew that his mind worked faster than everyone else's. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was until he met Park Jisung. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Park Jisung, who didn’t just skip one, but two years of school, who graduated at the age of sixteen and who liked to do math in his free time because „numbers calm me down, Chenle“ (and Chenle had always been good with math, but he didn’t enjoy it, it was more like a chore to him). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At first, Chenle thought that he couldn’t stand Park Jisung with his hilarious love for numbers. Everyone seemed to expect that they would get along perfectly, after all they were the two youngest, barely three months separating them and on top of that they were both really clever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But instead of friendship, a weird rivalry between the two of them developed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle figured that he wouldn’t mind, hell, that he would even be glad when Jaemin stopped babying him, when Donghyuk stopped clinging onto him, when Jeno stopped calling him cute. But as it turned out, he did and the worst thing was, he couldn’t even be mad. Because Park Jisung was fucking awesome, who was he to deny that? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe they just shared too much, he thought. They shared their intellect, their young age, their struggles and even their insomnia.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle can‘t sleep sometimes. It’s because his mind is racing too fast, it keeps overthinking the most simple things. He knows it’s no use to try and fall asleep once he’s lying awake in his bed, so he developed the habit to busy himself. Doing something with his hands to keep his thoughts from running around, stumbling and falling but ever so restless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s usually late at night when Chenle sneaks into the kitchen to cut vegetables, to bake a cake, to cook some rice. Sometimes he meets Renjun, who‘s secretly eating Jeno’s ice cream, sometimes he meets Donghyuk, because Donghyuk is a light sleeper and needs a cup of tea to fall asleep again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Until one night, he meets Park Jisung. Park Jisung, who tells him that he „can’t fall asleep“, Park Jisung who starts a conversation about whether it’s possible or not to live as an adult off nothing but breastmilk, Park Jisung who eats the entire batch of muffins with Chenle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Park Jisung who manages to put his mind at rest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After some time, Chenle found out that he kind of started to appreciate their bickering, their discussions and debates late at night on the kitchen floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He appreciates Park Jisung. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Excuse me, are you calling me a pervert?“, Donghyuk pulls him back into reality and throws the remote into the vague direction of the couch table (he totally misses and it hits Mark‘s knee with a dull sound). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No, that’s not what I-“, Chenle begins but Donghyuk won’t let him finish. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Because I am“, Donghyuk proudly exclaims, „Do you want to know what I did the other night with the sexy barrister from our coffee shop?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No one wants to know that“, Mark rubs his probably throbbing knee and places the remote carefully on the table. „And no one forces you to label anything. But it helps to know“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghyuk snorts. „So what are you, Mark?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle notices that the eldest flushes. It’s because Mark doesn’t like to talk about those things, he doesn’t speak about sex or sexuality or anything that involves those topics. And Chenle thinks that’s okay (not everyone needs to know about your choking kink, Donghyuk) but he’s a bit curious too. All he knows is that Mark is not straight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„That’s none of your business!“, Mark snaps and avoids Hyuck‘s curious eyes. Chenle wonders if Mark is ashamed of his sexuality but then again, what’s there to be ashamed of? It’s not like any of them are straight either (except for Jisung. Of course except for Jisung). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghyuk squints. „You don’t know“, he states but Chenle doesn’t think so. Mark probably knows, but maybe he doesn’t want Donghyuk to know (on the other hand, Chenle was never really good with interpreting other people’s emotions, that was always Renjun‘s part). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I do“, Mark insists. „I just don’t want to tell you“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What is there not to tell? You’re either straight, gay or bi“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You do realize that there are more than just three sexualities, right?“, Renjun tries to reach the last pringle in the almost empty can. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„There are?“, Donghyuk thinks for a brief moment. „Oh right, I forgot the thing that you are“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„The thing is called asexual“, Renjun tosses the now empty can at Donghyuk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Are you sure because I always figured it’s more your deep hatred towards literally every human creature on this planet“, Donghyuk rubs his forehead where the can hit him and shoots angry glares at Renjun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Suck it!“, Renjun bites. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Gladly“, Donghyuk smiles and Chenle knows this smile. It’s not a good sign because that’s exactly the same smile he smiled before challenging Renjun to a tequila-battle after graduation and as far as Chenle knows, Renjun made out with Jaemin that night. „Anyways Jeno“, he leans over Chenles lap and gently grabs Jeno’s thighs. „Let’s explore our sexuality together“.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaemin swats Donghyuk‘s hand away. „Don’t touch my boyfriend with those dirty hands of yours“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Jeez, calm down“, Donghyuk pulls his hand back. „As if anyone would want to touch him“.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You totally would“, Renjun mutters and Chenle silently begs to differ, because while Donghyuk does sleep with anyone and everyone, he never ever tried to do anything with one of his friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I want to explore though“, Jeno admits and Jaemin looks at him offended while Donghyuk winks. „Not like that“, he quickly adds. „I just want to know who I am“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Great!“, Donghyuk claps. „So it’s on! We‘re going to identify the shit out of our sexuality!“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time Chenle does roll his eyes. His friends are a mess. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>___</b>
</p><p>
  <span>When Chenle comes home from the dance studio, he’s greeted by the delicious smell of food and a very loud „what the fuck is </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>“. Usually, this should be a sign to turn around and mind your own business (Mark once found Renjun stuck in their washing machine which was hilarious at first until Renjun announced he needed to pee really bad and they couldn’t really figure out how to get him free again), but Chenle is morbidly curious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is quick to find the source, it’s Jisung standing in the doorway of their living room, looking absolutely mortified at Donghyuk or more precisely, Donghyuk in a dress. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What is going on?“, Chenle asks, despite being not so sure if he really wants to know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I’m exploring my sexuality“, is the explanation Donghyuk offers with a bright smile while twirling around (and Chenle has to admit that he looks surprisingly good in a dress, it shows off his beautiful long legs and slim waist). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You’re all insane“, Jisung shakes his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Crossdressing isn‘t what I meant when I told you to explore your sexuality“, Chenle sighs. „And this is not how it works, at all“.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I do look hot though“, Donghyuk twirls again and then sends himself a kiss in the mirror. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I’m not answering that“, Chenle says at the same time as Jisung shrieks „No!“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I totally would fuck myself“, Donghyuk declares and that’s something Chenle really doesn’t want to imagine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„If I were into sex, I would too“, a voice behind them suddenly says. It’s Renjun and he’s carrying a very big makeup bag that Chenle doesn’t want to know where it’s from. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Gross“, Jisung mutters. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„A very smart man once said ‚I‘m not gonna pass on some dick‘ and I feel that on a spiritual level“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„That’s because you were the one who said that, Hyuck, two days ago in the club right before you sucked a straight guy’s dick in the toilet“, Chenle says and rolls his eyes. „What are you doing this for anyways? I thought you wanted to explore your sexuality and not your gender identity“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh that dress is just because I lost a bet to Renjun“, Donghyuk explains. „For my sexuality journey I have this“, he shows them a small, black book. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What’s that?“, Jisung asks because apparently he just doesn’t know any better. Of course he doesn’t, Jisung wasn’t there when Donghyuk showed them his nudes-folder after graduation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I’m glad you asked“, Donghyuk‘s smile is a bit too sweet for Chenle’s taste. This means trouble, he just knows it. „It’s my logbook“.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Your logbook?“, Jisung repeats and Chenle groans. He can see where this is going. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I‘m going to keep track of my hookups from now on, with a detailed review for each one“, Donghyuk proudly exclaims. „I’m going to rate them and in the end I’m going to know what I enjoy and thadah, my sexual orientation!“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Renjun takes the book from Donghyuk's hands and whacks it over his head. „You’re an idiot“, he says and Chenle couldn’t agree more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Come on“, he mutters and pulls Jisung into the direction of their kitchen. „Let’s eat dinner as long as Donghyuk hasn’t completely ruined our appetite yet“. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>„I don’t get it“, Jisung shovels a ridiculously big spoon full of stew in his mouth, „What’s so exciting about exploring your sexuality?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle shrugs in response. He could tell Jisung about his whole coming out story but it’s still too early for these kinds of conversations. Maybe later, he thinks, when they‘re both on the kitchen floor. „I guess it’s just nice to be sure of what you like and what you don’t. Or who“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I never explored my sexuality and I know for sure that I‘m straight“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle huffs. They’re going to see about that. For a straight guy, Jisung has suspicious amount of queer friends. „How can you be so sure? Have you ever kissed a boy?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung hesitantly shakes his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Then how do you know you’re straight?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Because-“, Jisung makes a vague gesture. „I’m just not gay. Or bi. Or whatever- not that anything is wrong with you guys. It’s just not for me, for sure. Like, I can admit that guys are attractive but I‘m sure that I could never- yeah“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle snorts again. That’s a lot of „sure“s for someone who never even tried out his options. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>___</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle was never afraid to admit to himself that he does have a crush. He made a vow to himself after coming out that he would never ever be ashamed of his feelings again and that includes his feelings for a certain boy who’s currently sitting in front of him on the floor, bent over one of his calculations. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Do you think the abrasion on my knee will leave a scar“, he asks absently, while scribbling numbers and letters onto the paper. Jisung does math and Chenle can only understand half of it (it’s kind of annoying but also impressive). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle shrugs and takes another spoon full of Jeno‘s ice cream. „Does it matter?“, he asks and takes a look at the clock on the wall. It’s already 3:42 am, there’s no way Chenle is going back to sleep tonight, he’s way too wide awake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„It does“, Jisung insists. „Scars on your skin will always tell the story of your life, it’s exciting. Also besides that, scars make me look like a badass“, he puts his pencil down and looks expectantly at Chenle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„So you want to have a scar on your knee that tells the story of how you slipped in our stairwell from when Donghyuk spilled his bubble tea and refused to clean it up because he blamed Mark?“, Chenle snorts. „I doubt that this is going to make you look like a badass“.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung thinks for a moment. „Well, I could always tell people that I got the scar from when I got into a fight with- I don't know- a mean bully at school?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle laughs. The image of Jisung, who gets scared from </span>
  <span>Jeno talking too loud during a movie</span>
  <span> beating up a bully at school is ridiculous. „You know what, Donghyuk has a scar on his chin from when he got into a fight with a mean guy at school“, Chenle remembers. He even got stitches and because Donghyuk is a drama queen, he made them buy him cake for the next two weeks as a „sign of their solidarity“ or some shit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„He does?“, Jisung takes Chenle’s spoon to eat from Jeno’s ice cream himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Yeah“, Chenle hesitates. There’s a brief debate going on inside of him about whether he should tell Jisung or not. In the end he decides that, fuck it, it’s already late at night. „He actually got into the fight because of me“.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What?“, Jisung looks at him in surprise. „What did you do?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I was together with-“, Chenle interrupts himself. God, how pathetic, he can’t even say his name out loud. „-with this boy. And an asshole thought he needed to tell us what exactly his opinion on that was“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh“, Jisung says and he avoids eye contact with Chenle. Is he blushing?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I believe his exact words were something along the lines of „shooting us faggots“ but I can’t remember clearly. It took Donghyuk maybe 0.2 seconds to punch him in the face. Kinda impressive, the guy was at least twice his size…“, Chenle trails off. It was impressive, but was it really worth it? There was always more than one comment, more than one judging look whenever him and Felix showed affection in public but Chenle was never ashamed to have a boyfriend. And most of the time, he didn’t really mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I never knew that you were together with a boy“, Jisung mutters and oh my god, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> blushing. Chenle wonders if that’s an issue for Jisung. He knows the latter grew up in a very catholic family but on the other side, Jisung never seemed to have a problem with Jeno and Jaemin either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle pulls a face. „It’s been a while“, he says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You never told me“, Jisung‘s voice almost sounds a bit hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I don’t like to remind myself of that story“, his fingers absently wander to his elbow as he speaks. There is a scar, it’s mostly healed by now but there is still a small irregularity where soft skin should be. It tells the story of how Chenle fell next to the pool, on a hot day in June, with Felix next to him, who kissed the bandaid softly with his pretty lips and fed Chenle strawberries because he couldn’t bend his arm properly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Did he treat you badly?“, Jisung‘s eyes are almost as big as the full moon outside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No“, Chenle steals his spoon back from Jisung. „He treated me just right“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What happened?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle shrugs. „He broke my heart“. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>„He can shut up himself“, Jisung grumbles. „Do you know what I caught him doing the other day?“<br/>Chenle doesn‘t want to know, he‘s still traumatized from the one time Donghyuck had a hookup over and came into the kitchen to ask if they had a cucumber left they didn’t need anymore. He doesn’t get to tell Jisung that but it doesn’t matter, Chenle doesn’t hear his next words anyways. <br/>The pale light of his screen stings in his eyes but the message that’s illuminating the dark kitchen makes Chenle’s heart beat faster.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jisung gets weird after that. Not weird as in trying to avoid Chenle but weird as in being even deeper in his thoughts than usually. None of the others notice but Chenle had been busy with studying Jisung for the past three months and he does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Park Jisung is behaving weird. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You’re weird“, Chenle tells him one evening. It’s not even that late yet, he can still hear Renjun and Jeno playing games in the living room and the faint sound of Mark vacuuming his bed because he spilled cereal all over it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I know“, Jisung doesn’t even look up from the National Geographic magazine in his lap. „I‘ve been told so many times“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No I mean you’re weirder than usual“, Chenle explains and turns back to their kettle. The water is about to boil every second now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I am?“, Jisung asks and finally looks up. Despite his efforts to remain unbothered, Chenle can tell that Jisung looks a bit guilty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Yes you are“, Chenle opens one of their kitchen cabinets to get a mug and promptly realizes that of course Jaemin didn’t take his dishwasher duty seriously and there are none in their usual spot. They’re sitting in the dishwasher, dirty as hell and the only clean ones that are left are the ones Renjun made himself in a pottery class. They look a lot like dinosaur poop and therefore they’re sitting on the top shelf, slowly collecting dust. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle doesn‘t have a choice though, he can either drink tea from Renjun‘s expressionistic cups or out of his bare hands. He reaches for them and realizes he‘s not tall enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Well, sorry for being weird I guess?“, Jisung sounds unsure. It’s quite endearing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Don’t be“, Chenle jumps up but his hands only brush one of the mugs briefly. „I was just wondering if it’s because of me being together with a boy once? Do you have a problem with that?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle had always been a fan of coming straight to the point but he wonders if he shouldn’t have asked that directly when Jisung‘s eyes comically widen at his question. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Of course not!“, Jisung chokes out. „I don’t have a problem with same sex relationships, I don’t have a problem with Jaemin and Jeno or you!“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Alright then“, Chenle considers climbing the counter top to get to the mugs but he still has horrible flashbacks from when Renjun fell drunk from that park bank so he rather doesn’t want to try that. „Can you get me one of Renjun‘s mugs?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I don’t have anything against gay people. Kissing boys is okay, but I don’t want that. You guys go ahead and do that but I don’t. I like girls“, Jisung rambles, completely ignoring Chenle‘s request. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Alright, you‘re straight, got it“, Chenle says and hopes he manages to hide how much these words actually hurt him. „Now get me a mug?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What‘s that great about kissing boys anyways? I don’t want to do that, it sounds lame and not exciting at all“, Jisung crosses his arms in front of his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„As a person who kissed girls and boys I can tell you that it doesn’t make that much of a difference“, Chenle turns back to face the kitchen cabinets again. „Would you please get me a mug?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I don’t know how you do that, I could never just go around and kiss a boy and hold his hand. I’m sure you had lots of fun in this relationship with this boy but that’s not for me“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You just said that“, Chenle rolls his eyes. „A mug? Please?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What?“, Jisung asks confused, looking as if Chenle just interrupted a very important monologue (and maybe he did. He feels kinda bad about it now that he thinks about it. On the other hand, Chenle wouldn’t have been able to hear another word about just how straight Jisung is). „Oh yeah, sure“, he gets up and awkwardly shuffles over to Chenle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„For your information“, Chenle leans back against the counter while Jisung reaches for the mugs, „I had plenty of fun in this relationship with this boy“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You did?“, Jisung halts his movements to send him a skeptic look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„The fuck Jisung, of course I did, otherwise I would have broken up with him“, Chenle playfully snaps Jisungs forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Did you like kissing him?“, Jisung turns back to finally, finally get him a mug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Sure“, Chenle grins. „I also enjoyed doing </span>
  <em>
    <span>other stuff</span>
  </em>
  <span> with him“, he adds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung shrieks and the next thing Chenle knows is that one of Renjun’s precious mugs shatters on the ground. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both stare at each other in absolute horror. Chenle is the first one to react and pulls Jisung with him out of the kitchen into the hallway towards their front door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What was that?“, Renjun asks from the livingroom at the same time as Jeno asks, „Are you guys okay?“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Hurry“, Chenle urges and barely lets Jisung put on his second shoe before they’re in the staircase, fleeing from Renjun’s wrath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He takes Jisungs hand and runs. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>___</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Every sunday morning, Jisung gets up extra early to go to church. Maybe it’s because he‘s so used to it (considering Jisung’s entire family is extremely religious and mass on sunday is probably their highlight of the week) because Chenle can’t imagine that Jisung is really religious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not that anything is wrong with being religious but Jisung is into math and science which doesn’t quite fit this entire bible-thing. Maybe, it’s all just a habit for Jisung- the small golden necklace with a cross around his neck, the quick prayers before every meal and before he goes to bed, the bible on his bedside table and the rosary in his top drawer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe, Chenle just hopes it is, because he as a bisexual person never had good experiences with the church or his very religious aunt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(„Chenle, there is help for people like you“, she told him when he last met her. It had been the summer when he had been together with Lee Felix and because Chenle was never ashamed of his boyfriend, he proudly showed cute pictures of them at his uncle’s birthday party. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle had explained to her that he was perfectly fine and certainly didn’t need any „help“ but his aunt wouldn’t hear any of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You’re sick, my child. People like these will go to hell for their sins, your existence is an insult to God“, she insisted before turning towards his mother. „This is God's way of punishing you for your godlessness. Go to church, pray for your son's health, accept Jesus into your life and turn your life around to follow in the christian path of faith. God will reward you by saving your son's life“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Needless to say that they left the party early but that didn’t help the sick feeling in Chenle‘s stomach.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Jisung is different, Jisung never told Chenle that he‘s disgusting and has sick tendencies but Jisung still goes to church every sunday and while he’s gone, Chenle prepares breakfast. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Good news everyone“, Donghyuck slams his black sex-logbook on the table where Chenle had been preparing carrots. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh please no“, Renjun drops his head onto the hard, wooden surface of the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Don’t let this thing touch our food“, Chenle threatens but as always, he gets ignored by Hyuck, who apparently has more important business to take care of than basic hygiene in their kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I rated all of my sexual encounters of the last month“, Donghyuck frantically searches through his book. „This is the list I made“, he pushes the book over to Renjun after he found the right page. „Now you tell me  my sexual orientation“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Yeah, absolutely not“, Renjun pushes the book back to Donghyuck with a pen, avoiding carefully to touch the logbook. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„But Injunnie, you know a lot about sexual identities“, Donghyuck pouts. It reminds Chenle of the one time Donghyuck accidentally vacuum cleaned his hamster that obviously got sucked into the vacuum cleaner. Instead of trying to rescue his beloved hamster himself, Donghyuck ran straight to Renjun, begging him to fix his situation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„First of all, I‘m literally the least person you should ask about anything related to sex and secondly, sexual orientation is more about your feelings than just sex“, Renjun explains. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„But those are my feelings“, Donghyuck insists and turns towards Chenle. „You can help, right? You had plenty of sex before“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Plenty might be an overstatement, especially if Donghyuck is the norm but Chenle definitely had more sex in his life than Renjun. It’s not that much of an accomplishment though, because as far as Chenle knows, Renjun’s number of sexual encounters is zero. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He takes a look at Donghyuck‘s list and promptly regrets it. There are over twenty names on the paper and Chenle honestly wonders how the fuck Donghyuck is able to have that much sex without his dick falling off and more importantly, how on earth he finds the time for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Renjun is right“, Chenle sighs and leans back to keep peeling the carrots. „Sexual orientations are mostly about feelings“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I‘ve got feelings“, Donghyuck protests. „I love sex“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„That’s more a character trait“, Renjun mumbles from the other side of the table.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„More feelings than arousal, idiot“, Chenle closes Donghyuck‘s logbook. Great, now he has to wash his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„But how do I know about my feelings?“, Donghyuck whines and looks at Renjun with this helpless look of his. Chenle thinks it’s funny how Donghyuck always goes to Renjun for him to fix his problems instead of finding a solution on his own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe it’s because they’re both so different. Renjun is rational, someone who makes decisions based on logic while Donghyuck just does whatever he wants. Chenle wonders if Donghyuck is aromantic, just because Renjun is asexual and the two had always been each other’s opposite. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You will know“, Chenle says and thinks about Park Jisung, who makes Chenle‘s heart beat faster and his nights so much more bearable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle wonders what Jisung would think if he knew about Chenle‘s feelings. Because it is one thing to accept your friend‘s bisexuality and another one to know that he would like to kiss you every time he sees you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Donghyuck can cry even more about his feelings, the door opens and Jisung enters the kitchen to flop down next to Renjun and reach for the cup of coffee Chenle always prepares for him on sunday mornings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Blessed be thou, young man“, Renjun teases and ruffles through Jisung’s dark hair. Jisung always dresses nicely for church and styles his hair out of his face so a protesting sound leaves his mouth when Renjun destroys all his hard work. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„How was church?“, Chenle asks and finishes the last carrot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Good“, Jisung answers quickly, maybe a bit too quick for Chenle‘s liking. „We sang and prayed, the usual stuff, you know. I added an extra prayer for all of your health“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I prayed for your demonic ass that satan will come and take you back to hell“, Donghyuck mutters towards Renjun when the latter steals a sip of his chocolate protein shake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Did you confess all your sins, Jisungie?“, Renjun asks with a bright smile and takes another sip from Donghyuck‘s drink. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Sure“, Jisung squeaks and blushes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle furrows his eyebrows. It’s unlike Jisung to be embarrassed about his faith. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Renjun seems to notice too and exchanges a meaningful look with Donghyuck. „You good, Jisung?“, he asks and sneakily pulls Donghyuck‘s drink even closer to him, hoping that he will forget about it over the conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Of course I‘m good, you know what’s not good?“, Jisung’s ears are burning. „Jaemin and Jeno are about to do unholy things on your favorite bean bag so if I were you I would get going“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Not my bean bag!“, Renjun calls out in horror and jumps up to rush out of their kitchen in favor of saving his beloved piece of furniture. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Isn’t it technically Mark‘s bean bag?“, Donghyuck wonders out aloud and grabs his drink before following Renjun, either to laugh at his friend‘s suffering or to catch a glimpse of said unholy things Jaemin and Jeno are about to do. Chenle hopes it’s the first option. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Do you want to talk about what happened?“, Chenle offers as soon as they’re alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Nothing happened! I‘m fine, everything is fine. What do you think happened? I was just at church like every sunday, nothing special about it“, Jisung rambles but his deep red blush betrays him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Alright, if you don’t want to talk about it“, Chenle shrugs and turns back to his stir fried vegetables to add the carrots. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment, Jisung doesn’t say anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Do you think it’s bad when I sin even though it makes me feel good?“, he asks then and Chenle gets a bit startled because he wasn’t expecting Jisung to actually talk about his problem. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Uhm“, Chenle says because he’s honestly a bit overwhelmed and doesn't quite know how to answer that. „Maybe you should ask Mark about that, I don’t really know anything about religion but I think you shouldn‘t be sorry for things that make you happy“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Even if those things are bad?“, Jisung asks and looks at him over the brim of his mug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„If I‘m on a diet and eat a piece of chocolate, then I’m sinning as well. But if that piece of chocolate makes me happy because I had a shitty day or because I‘m frustrated that Jaemin didn’t do the dishes, then it’s a blessing that I ate it. Every rule is worth breaking for your happiness“, Chenle piles up the fried vegetables on a plate and puts it on the table. „Now eat, you must be hungry“. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>___</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung is rambling on and on and on about space and mathematics and astrophysics when Chenle’s phone dings, signaling him that he just got a message. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Who’s that?“, Jisung asks, just as surprised as Chenle. It’s the middle of the night and every normal person should be fast asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Maybe it’s Donghyuck telling us to shut up“, Chenle fishes his phone out of his pocket. It wouldn’t be the first time, Donghyuck is a light sleeper and Chenle has a loud laugh. However it’s weird that Donghyuck would only write Chenle, usually he uses their group chat to curse them out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„He can shut up himself“, Jisung grumbles. „Do you know what I caught him doing the other day?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle doesn‘t want to know, he‘s still traumatized from the one time Donghyuck had a hookup over and came into the kitchen to ask if they had a cucumber left they didn’t need anymore. He doesn’t get to tell Jisung that but it doesn’t matter, Chenle doesn’t hear his next words anyways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pale light of his screen stings in his eyes but the message that’s illuminating the dark kitchen makes Chenle’s heart beat faster. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lele, I know it‘s been a while but I‘m flying to korea next week to visit my granny. Let’s meet up while I’m there? -Felix</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle stares at the written lines. After three years and over a hundred unanswered messages, phone calls and letters, Lee Felix decided to send him a message. It’s been so long, so fucking long that Chenle’s heart aches and suddenly he feels like he‘s in senioryear all over again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle doesn‘t know if he wants to cry or scream or laugh, maybe all of the above but all that comes out is a choked sound. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„… and then he looked at me like </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> was the weird one, can you believe that? Chenle? Hey Chenle, are you listening?“, Jisung waves his hand in front of his eyes. „Are you okay?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Fine“, Chenle croaks out. It’s about an hour later in Sydney than it’s in Seoul, about the time Felix usually gets up to go on his daily morning run which means Chenle has about half an hour to figure out a fitting reply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Three years, it’s been three fucking years!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You look a bit pale, are you sure you’re okay?“, Jisung shoots him a worried gaze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No“, Chenle slowly lowers his smartphone. „My ex boyfriend just texted me“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh“, Jisung blushes. If Chenle sat with Jeno or Jaemin or Renjun or Donghyuck in the kitchen, they would yell at him to block Felix‘ number. Jisung doesn‘t, Jisung doesn’t know about everything that happened, he doesn’t know how many nights Chenle spent crying on his kitchen floor, he doesn’t know what Lee Felix did to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„He wants to meet up“, Chenle says and looks at Jisung. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh“, Jisung repeats. „What are you going to do?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A good question, Chenle thinks. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>___</b>
</p><p>
  <span>„This is a bad idea!“, Renjun is standing in the doorway, his arms crossed in front of his chest and sending glares at Chenle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„How can you know that?“, Chenle asks even though he can understand why Renjun would think that- hell, every sane person would think that. But Chenle is dumb, he‘s dumb because it’s Lee Felix and he still isn’t over him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Why am I surrounded by idiots?!“, Renjun calls out in disbelief and angrily punches the poor door frame. „You’re being a fucking idiot!“, he accusingly points at Chenle. „What do you think is going to happen, huh?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I don’t know, Renjun“, Chenle straightens his shirt for the nth time. Does blue make him look pale?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I‘ll tell you what’s going to happen, you’re going to fall for him again and he‘s either going to reject you and break your heart or you‘re going to get back together and he‘s going to break your heart“, Renjun explains and with every word, his volume increases. Chenle decides that blue does make him look pale and that pink is the much better option, it’s more casual but also compliments his rosy cheeks that Felix once loved to squish. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You forgot the third option. That I‘m not going to fall for him and we‘re going to meet like two normal adults and nobody’s heart will get broken“, Chenle insists and changes his shirt again. He‘s okay with being friends with Felix, if he can’t have more then he‘s going to take what he can get. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Yeah, that‘s not happening because you, my friend, are already heads over heels for him again“, Renjun points out and takes Chenle’s discharged shirt to slap him with it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No I‘m not“, Chenle lies but not really successfully. He can feel a blush spreading over his cheeks and ears and neck and he can’t look Renjun in the eyes, it’s too scary. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Renjun narrows his eyes. „You“ </span>
  <em>
    <span>slap</span>
  </em>
  <span> „are“ </span>
  <em>
    <span>slap</span>
  </em>
  <span> „the“ </span>
  <em>
    <span>slap</span>
  </em>
  <span> „dumbest“ </span>
  <em>
    <span>slap</span>
  </em>
  <span> „person“ </span>
  <em>
    <span>slap</span>
  </em>
  <span> „I“ </span>
  <em>
    <span>slap</span>
  </em>
  <span> „know!“ </span>
  <em>
    <span>slap, slap! </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>„Ow, ow, stop that“, Chenle complains. „We‘re just meeting, no feelings involved“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No feelings involved?!“, Renjun repeats furiously. „You literally are a big blob of feelings. Feelings for Lee Felix, you idiot“, he slaps Chenle again but this time he‘s not fast enough and Chenle rips the shirt from his tight grip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„This is not a date! We‘re just going to talk to calm down!“, Chenle discharges his shirt behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Jaemin asked me to tell you that there’s a fresh batch of vanilla cookies waiting for us in the kitchen. What are you guys fighting about?“, Donghyuck invites himself to the conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Chenle wants to meet up with You-Know-Who“, Renjun explains and crosses his arms again, looking expectantly at Donghyuck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Voldemort?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Lee Felix! God, why am I surrounded by idiots?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„So what?“, Donghyuck shrugs. „Maybe he needs that to finally get over him. The breakup talk they should have had three years ago, I mean“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Hello, I am still in the room so there’s no need to talk about me like I’m not here“, Chenle checks his phone. No new messages, good. In half an hour he‘s going to see Lee Felix again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I‘ll tell you something, Chenle. I believe in you and I trust you that you won’t do anything dumb. Meeting up with your ex is brave and also the right decision“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Thanks Hyuck, I appreciate it“, Chenle grabs his keys. „Now excuse me, I need to leave to get to our coffee shop in time“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I bet you five dollars that he‘s gonna fuck this up“, Renjun mutters loud enough for Chenle to hear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Make it ten because I bet Chenle is gonna slay this“, Donghyuck says. „I’ll even drive Chenle personally to the coffee shop!“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Wait-“, Chenle tries to protest but it’s too late. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Accepted!“, Renjun shakes Donghyuck‘s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle sighs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>„I‘m having second thoughts, pick me up, hurry“, Chenle tells Donghyuck over the phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„It’s been five minutes since we left“, Chenle can basically see Donghyuck raising an eyebrow at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I know, I changed my mind, hurry up and get me, I want to go home and eat vanilla cookies too“, Chenle nervously looks around in the busy coffee shop. He feels like he took one too many sips from Jaemin’s poison of a coffee, his heart is beating too fast and his fingers that are clutching around his phone are shaking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Did the boy come to his senses?“, he can hear Renjun asking in the background. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No, he‘s just pissing his pants because he‘s being a whiny-“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Hyuck please“, Chenle interrupts desperately. „I don’t want to do this anymore, so please, I’m begging you. Pick me up before- oh no he‘s here, that’s him. Oh fuck. Fuck, I‘m so fucked“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Chenle?“, is the last thing he hears from the speaker before he decides to hang up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s really him, right by the door is standing Lee Felix in a ridiculously red raincoat and tiny hands holding onto a green frog-umbrella. He‘s looking right at Chenle with a smile so bright that it lights up the entire Café. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle waves or tries to wave but his elbow crashes against the table, effectively knocking his water over and great, after three years Chenle still manages to embarrass himself within the first minute of their meeting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He curses and gathers as many napkins as he can, trying his best to avoid the water spreading all over the table but of course it’s too late because Chenle was busy staring at Lee Felix and now </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> is wet and drenched in water and Chenle can feel his cheeks burning. What an absolute nightmare, he should have listened to Renjun but no, of course Chenle had to follow his stupid, stupid heart and now he has to go back to China to start a new life because he embarrassed himself that horribly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A tiny hand meets his right as he‘s reaching for more napkins. „It’s like I’m having a deja-vu“, Felix says when Chenle looks up and smiles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nothing has changed, Chenle realizes. Yes, Felix‘ voice has become even darker, yes, there are even more freckles littered over his skin than before, yes, Felix might have grown a bit but when Chenle looks into these beautiful eyes, he still feels the same. Lee Felix is still as scarily handsome as Chenle remembers and he should have really, really listened to Renjun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Hi“, Chenle‘s voice is barely a whisper. The wet misery in front of him is long forgotten, Chenle is too busy counting the freckles on Felix‘ cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Hi“, Felix replies and smiles again, this time even brighter. Oh, Chenle is so fucked. Those adorable freckles, those pretty eyes, shit, Chenle is staring. Don’t be weird, say something!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„How was your flight?“, he chokes out. There is more between them than just those words, questions like </span>
  <em>
    <span>where were you the last three years?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>„Long“, Felix says and Chenle thinks yes, it’s been so long. It’s been so fucking long. „I’m glad that I‘m here now“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Here, with Chenle. He wishes Felix would break their eye contact because he can’t. Chenle can‘t look anywhere but into those eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Excuse me“, a worker interrupts them and Chenle thinks wow, we‘re here. In a Café, with other people and upbeat music in the background, with clicking laptops and distant chattering. He hadn’t noticed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because Lee Felix is standing right in front of him, absorbing his attention like the dry sponge they has used all those years ago to clean up Chenle‘s mess in chemistry class, back when they had first met, when Felix‘ eyes had already been sparkling just like they are now and when Chenle‘s heart had already been beating way too fast upon laying his eyes on him, just like it is now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Chenle?“, Felix asks, pulling him back to reality, back to the present, back to the coffee shop. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Huh?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What would you like to order?“, Felix repeats, a fond smile playing on his lips that makes Chenle’s mouth weirdly dry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Just a coffee“, Chenle says. „I’m not hungry“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The employee nods and notes Chenle‘s order but he‘s too busy blushing to notice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„So…“, Felix trails off. „How have you been?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yeah, how has he been? Chenle doesn‘t want to think about the countless nights he spent thinking about Felix, doesn’t want to remind himself of the billions of tears he spilled because Felix had been gone and he had taken Chenle‘s heart with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Good“, he says even though he has so much more to tell but he can’t, the words are stuck in his throat, forming a knot of all the things he wants to throw at Felix, all the words he never got to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix nods like he understands but he doesn’t. Felix wasn’t there when he broke Chenle‘s heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What about your friends? Do you keep in contact with Jaemin and Renjun and Donghyuck and… what was his name again? The tall silent one, I mean“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Jeno“, Chenle replies. „I do. We‘re living together now in a dorm with Mark from the year above and-“, he stops himself from saying Jisung‘s name. „And another friend“, he finishes. Something feels weird when he talks about Jisung in front of Felix, something Chenle can’t quite figure out yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Really?“, Felix asks. „How are they doing? Is Jaemin still together with Jimin?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Uh, not exactly“, Chenle pulls a face. „As it turns out, Jimin doesn’t swing that way and they broke up just a few weeks after-“, he hesitates again. Just a few weeks after Lee Felix broke his heart, just a hundred unanswered phone calls later, just when Chenle had his first sleepless night. „Just a few weeks after you left“, he mutters and for a moment, he isn’t sure if Felix heard him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh“, Felix says and he sounds genuinely sad. „Pity. They were such a perfect couple“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He‘s right, Chenle thinks. Just like him and Felix but as it turns out, not everything is as perfect as it seems. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Jaemin is together with Jeno now though“, Chenle explains and there is a question underneath that sentence, a question Chenle is too afraid to ask because he doesn’t want to know the answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Really?“, Felix‘ eyes grow wide in surprise. „I never expected Jeno to be into guys“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Me neither“, Chenle admits and then awkward silence settles between them until their coffee and Felix’ cake arrives. He still orders carrot cake, Chenle notices and thinks about all the afternoons they spent in this very coffee shop, sharing carrot cake and coffee while holding hands and kissing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What about you?“, Felix finally breaks the silence between them before he takes a sip of his drink. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I’m still into both“, Chenle answers even though he‘s a bit confused by the question. It may be that Chenle has a small Park Jisung introduced boob-problem but that’s nothing he couldn’t handle and most importantly, it doesn’t make him question his sexuality. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No, I mean if you’re together with anyone else now“, Felix explains amused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh“, Chenle blushes again. „No, I’m not“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t dare to ask Felix the same question, Chenle doesn’t want to think about him being together with anyone but Chenle himself. He knows it’s not his position to be that possessive but Chenle can’t help it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Good“, Felix says and squeezes Chenle‘s hand once. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle looks down to where their hands are brushing against each other and suddenly he can hear Jisung’s voice in his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>„What are you going to do?“</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed reading this story so far! I‘m going on a trip with my best friend next week, so I‘m not sure if I‘ll be able to update but I‘ll try my best :)<br/>Have a great day!<br/>~Saphirsilber ♥️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>„I might not have been entirely honest with you“, Felix admits. The elevator dings and Felix pulls Chenle behind him towards one of the doors. <br/>Inside the apartment, there are boxes. Some unpacked, most of them still sealed. Chenle knows some of the stuff that’s laying around. There is Felix‘ old Gameboy, the one that they played Pokémon and Mario on, sitting on an empty shelf and Felix‘ favorite pillow on the couch next to it. <br/>„I’m moving back to Seoul“, Felix closes the door behind them. Chenle‘s heart does it’s weird thing that it always does when people talk about Felix. <br/>„I can tell“, Chenle gestures towards the boxes. „Why?“<br/>Felix shrugs. „Life“, he answers and Chenle thinks yeah, life. Life plays you like Chenle and Felix used to play on the old Gameboy. Life sends you from your homophobic crush into the arms of your ex boyfriend.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>„You absolute fucking idiot-moron!“, Donghyuck calls out as soon as Chenle enters their living room. It’s late at night but they’re all sitting on the couch like Chenle‘s parents. Jeno, Jaemin, Renjun and Donghyuck do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> look amused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You owe me ten bucks, Hyuck“, Renjun says and his voice sounds dry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Why would you meet up with you-know-who?“, Jaemin angrily glares at Chenle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Everyone!“, Chenle kicks off his shoes. „Calm down. Nothing happened, we just met and talked and then we went to the park to talk some more“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Until now?“, Jeno asks sceptically. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„It’s been three years“, Chenle replies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Yeah, indeed“, Renjun snaps. „It’s been three fucking years and Felix never even called you back. And now, after three years you’re ready to crawl back to him just like that? That’s the dumbest bullishit I ever heard!“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I’m tired“, Chenle falls forward onto the couch. „Let’s talk about it some other time“. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When I know what to do myself</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he adds in his thoughts. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>___</b>
</p><p>
  <span>„Why can‘t we just do a sleepover like we always do?“, Jaemin whines while Donghyuck is busy smearing glitter all over his cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Because we‘re always doing sleepovers and because I need your support“, Donghyuck explains for the nth time. „Also, you and Jeno almost got it on next to us last time we had a sleepover and Jisung’s poor, innocent eyes shouldn’t see that“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There is a pride event in one of Donghyuck‘s favorite clubs and he convinced them all to go there with him to help him sort out his sexual identity crisis. Jeno was on board as soon as Donghyuck said „identity“, which meant Jaemin agreed as well, Mark and Renjun agreed because of the promised free pizza and Chenle because Donghyuck said he would buy him a drink. He doesn’t really know why Jisung is coming but who is Chenle to complain? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„My eyes aren‘t innocent anymore since they saw you doing unspeakable things with Mark‘s cousin on his birthday“, Jisung mutters next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There is already glitter all over his face because Donghyuck claimed they had to look appropriate for the night and dumped about five tons of glitter over their heads. Chenle is pretty sure that they’re never going to be able to get it out of their carpet but that’s a problem for tomorrow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right now, Chenle is busy taking shots with Renjun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Hey! Don’t give Jisung too much!“, Mark complains when Renjun fills Jisung’s glass up to the brim with tequila. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh he‘ll be fine, Mark. Don’t be such a mom“, Renjun rolls his eyes before raising his glass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tequila burns in Chenle‘s throat but it’s a welcomed pain. „Tequila tastes like regrets“, is what Renjun always says and he might be right. Chenle is definitely ready to do things he will regret tonight, if only for the sole purpose to distract him from his Jisung-Felix misery. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ever since the day they met, Chenle and Felix have been happily texting almost every day and Chenle thinks it feels a lot like nothing ever happened. It’s scarily easy to go back to how things were before Felix left him. Chenle knows that he’s being a stupid idiot (Renjun told him often enough) but somehow, he can’t help it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The only time when he gets a weird feeling is when he’s with Jisung. Chenle doesn‘t want to think about it now though. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Let’s get shitfaced!“, Donghyuck yells and ignores the shot glass Renjun had prepared for him in favor of drinking straight from the bottle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mark makes a sound that reminds Chenle of a hurt puppy before they all empty their glasses. Tonight is gonna be a good night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>✨ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The night doesn’t develop like Chenle expected it to. As soon as they arrive at the club, they lose Donghyuck (what‘s new?) and Renjun decides to search for him. He isn’t even gone for two minutes before they bump into Yukhei, Jaemin‘s ex boyfriend who he left for Jeno. Mark instantly begins a conversation with him about basketball and seems ecstatic that they met Yukhei out of all people (Chenle sometimes forgets how well they got along back when Yukhei had still been together with Jaemin). Jeno and Jaemin use the distraction to flee to the toilets to hide, a reasonable reaction, Chenle supposes. Jaemin probably doesn’t want to see his ex and Jeno would definitely lose in a fight against Yukhei and none of them knows how well Yukhei got over the breakup with Jaemin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Chenle can even say „tequila“, he’s alone with Jisung which sucks. Not that Jisung sucks but they’re both technically still minors and therefore can’t buy any drinks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What now?“, Chenle shouts over the too loud music into Jisung’s ear. Jisung looks into the vague direction of the toilets, where Jeno and Jaemin are probably doing god knows what, then towards a table where Yukhei, Mark and a few other guys, probably Yukhei‘s friends are standing and then he looks over to the Dancefloor, where Donghyuck is delivering an A+ striptease. Well, at least they found him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung looks back at Chenle and nods towards the backdoor. Chenle follows him though the masses of dancing and sweating people. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Renjun gave me this“, Jisung says as soon as they’re outside and pulls a bottle of God knows what out of nowhere. It’s dark where they’re standing and barely anyone is outside. When Chenle leans back against the wall, he can feel the bass from inside against his body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What’s that?“, he asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I don’t know“, Jisung shrugs. „Wanna find out?“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So they do. It’s something with a shit lot of alcohol but Chenle honestly doesn’t have a clue what it is. Half an hour later, the bottle is empty and he’s comfortably drunk. Definitely more than buzzed but not wasted yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s then that they find Renjun again, or more specifically, Jaemin and Jeno drag Renjun through the club until they spot Chenle and Jisung. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Renjun is fucked up“, Jaemin shouts as soon as he’s close enough for them to hear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Let’s get out of here“, Jeno adds while nervously looking out for Yukhei. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not even 11pm yet and they’re going home. Without Mark, because he decided to stay with Yukhei and his friends and without Donghyuck because Donghyuck is nowhere to be found. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not even that late at night when Chenle finds himself on the kitchen floor next to Jisung in their silent apartment. The alcohol has worn off by now, there is only some warm, content feeling left in Chenle‘s stomach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Hey Jisung“, Chenle says. He‘s laying on the kitchen floor with Jisung right next to him. If he turns his head a little more to the side, his nose would brush against Jisung’s. „Can you hear my confession?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Hm“, Jisung hums. „I’m no pastor“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„But you‘re the closest I‘ve got to a pastor“, Chenle insists and turns a little over, not enough to touch Jisung but just enough so he can look into his eyes. Jisung shifts around, carefully avoiding eye contact and Chenle thinks he‘s kind of cute. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Why do you want to confess anyways?“, Jisung props himself up on his elbows to send Chenle a confused look. „You’re not religious“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„But I‘ve sinned pretty badly and if there is a God, confessing might help“, Chenle shrugs. „If not, then you may be able to help me“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung considers it for a moment before he leans back to lay down on the kitchen floor again. „Alright“, he says. „Go ahead then I guess“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle nods and tries to remember the correct procedure of a confession. His last one has been a while, over ten years when he spent a week with his aunt while his parents were on a business trip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Bless me Father, for I have sinned“, Chenle begins. He doesn’t quite know where to go from there but Jisung surely knows, so he will be fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„How long has it been since you last confessed, my child?“, Jisung asks and it takes a lot for Chenle to remain serious when he calls him „his child“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„It’s been… a long time since my last confession“, he replies. It’s been so long that Chenle can barely remember. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Tell me about your sins then“, Jisung says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I have sinned in actions and thoughts many times, father. But my most severe sin is the one of lust“, Chele can feel Jisung shifting next to him upon his words. „There is this boy that makes my heart beat in a way only women should. I think about kissing this boy whenever I see him and I think about him when I kiss other women. I think about him the second I wake up and I think about him at night when I can‘t sleep“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„And…“, Jisung gulps and fidgets next to him. „And what exactly do you think about him doing?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I think about him kissing me on the cold kitchen floor. I think about him holding my hand when we’re sitting next to each other. I think about him whispering sweet confessions into my ear when we’re alone“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What about him? What does he think about you?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle sits up a little bit, enough to look at Jisung, but Jisung avoids his gaze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I can’t tell“, he admits. „Sometimes I think he’s just as much into me as I’m into him. Sometimes I think he’s afraid of himself for feeling like this. And sometimes I think I’m just imagining things“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You might be right. Maybe he wants to kiss you just as much as you want to kiss him“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Is that so?“, Chenle grins and leans forward, trapping Jisung underneath him with his arms. „But he‘s another boy, isn’t it wrong?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You never cared“, Jisung whispers and finally, finally looks at Chenle with those big, round eyes. And Chenle could die right now and die as a happy man, he could get lost in those eyes and never return because Jisung’s eyes hold the entire universe and more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I never did“, Chenle thinks that this might be it. Late at night on their kitchen floor, with coffee stains next to them from when Jeno dropped their coffee can. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leans in, almost cautiously so. Chenle can feel Jisung’s breath against his lips, hot, unspoken promises against his skin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And suddenly, there is emptiness in between his arms because Jisung slipped out of his hold like a wet fish in his hands. Chenle is so confused that he doesn’t even realize how Jisung jerks up on his feet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„You should pray and- and have faith“, Jisung says from where he’s standing in the doorway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle doesn‘t understand what the fuck just happened, one moment he‘s about to kiss Jisung and the next Jisung is telling him to pray? Did Jisung not just tell him that he wants this just as much as Chenle? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I- what?“, is everything that comes out of his mouth. Jisung is already out of the door, standing in the hallway and backing away from Chenle as if he were a predator. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„It’s late, I’m going to bed“, Jisung hastily mutters. „Don’t think about this boy again“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle is sitting on the kitchen floor and doesn’t know what to think anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>___</b>
</p><p>
  <span>When Chenle comes back from the store, there is a guy in pink thigh highs and a baby blue sweater sitting on their dining table, next to him a suspicious box. Donghyuck is there too, he‘s standing by the counter and is whipping some cream and if the lip gloss that’s smeared all over Donghyuck‘s neck and the other boy‘s face is anything to go by, Chenle guesses that he‘s about to get sexiled. Again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What’s that?“, Chenle asks, nodding his chin towards the package on the table because his hands are occupied with carrying groceries. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„That’s a bit rude, Chenle!“, Donghyuck interrupts his whipping to glare at him. „Just because Taeyong dresses a bit feminine you could still address him as who and not what, you ignorant dummie!“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle rolls his eyes. „No I mean the package next to him. I already figured out he‘s your hookup, just text me later if he stays for breakfast“, he sets down the groceries on the counter and turns back to the pretty boy. „I’m Chenle by the way, nice to meet you“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Taeyong“, the boy says and giggles cutely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Isn’t he so handsome?“, Donghyuck asks and feeds Taeyong some cream with his finger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Don’t try to distract me, it’s not working. What’s in the box, Donghyuck?“, Chenle sceptically crosses his arms. He‘s got a bad feeling about it and it’s not because he‘s afraid that it could be a sex toy, if it were, Donghyuck would have told him right away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Fine“, Donghyuck sighs. „It’s a hamster“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle groans. „Again?“, he asks and massages his temples. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Don’t judge me, okay? Taeyong happens to be working in a animal shelter and I couldn’t help but get another one! He’s so cute, Chenle, you‘re going to love him!“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„As long as it’s not a rat again“, he mutters and thinks back to when the rat Donghyuck claimed to be a hamster almost bit Jeno’s finger off. „Just don‘t try to kill it within the first two weeks“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„He’s joking“, Donghyuck hurriedly ensures Taeyong but Chenle wishes he was. Donghyuck is obsessed with hamsters but he‘s horrible at keeping them alive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Whatever“, Chenle grabs one of Jeno’s protein bars he bought. „I‘ll see if I can catch Jisung in the library, don‘t be naked when we come back and please don’t do it in our kitchen, people still need to eat here“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„See you Lele“, Donghyuck singsongs. „Don’t come home too early“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>✨</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle is quick to spot Jisung in the almost empty library. He‘s sitting in their usual spot- it’s the table right by the window with one broken lamp but close to the coffee automat and the vending machine- and is clearly investigated in the book he’s reading. Chenle thinks it’s pretty cute how Jisung chews on his bottom lip in deep concentration, his eyebrows furrowed and long fingers tapping rhythmically against the wooden surface of the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„What are you reading?“, Chenle plops down onto the seat across from Jisung with a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung yelps and basically slams the book close as if Chenle caught him looking at porn magazines instead of-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Is that a bible?“, Chenle asks teasingly. As if Jisung doesn’t already have one of those at home! It’s admittingly a bit endearing how passionate Jisung is about his faith, Chenle has to admit that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even though Jisung is quick to slip the book underneath the table, Chenle is quicker and snatches the book from his hands. „Or is it some erotic roleplay about a faithful young girl that falls for her pastor?“, he mocks and Jisung fucking blushes. Chenle might be onto something here and he laughs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Give it back!“, Jisung launches forward to grab the book but years upon years of being friends with Renjun trained Chenle‘s reflexes and he elegantly escapes Jisung’s desperate fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not a bible, but the red cover with a gigantic cross on it could suggest that it is. He frowns. Underneath it though, the title reads in big, black letters </span>
  <em>
    <span>„Coming Out Straight: Speak Your healing from the Homosexual Deception“</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle feels like throwing up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I can explain“, Jisung hastily takes the book back. He’s blushing even deeper now and is clearly embarrassed that Chenle caught him with this book but it does nothing to ease his nausea. Everything is suddenly weirdly numb. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Is this how you feel?“, Chenle asks coldly and his voice doesn’t sound like his own at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung visibly shrinks underneath his gaze, at least he seems to have the decency to feel bad about it. „I-I was reading it because of you“, Jisung stammers, as if that would make it any better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Wow, thanks Jisung“, Chenle can feel tears welling up inside of him and normally, he would be embarrassed to cry in such a public space like the library. Right now, he couldn’t care less. „Thanks for thinking something is so wrong with liking guys that you feel the need to cure me, really“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No!“, Jisung calls out but Chenle doesn’t want to hear it. It’s one thing, if a stranger in the streets yells at you that you’re sick, if your aunt that you barely see offers you help for your perverse feelings but it’s a completely different thing to find out that your closest friend who also happens to be your crush agrees with them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It hurts worse than when Chenle fell down three sets of stairs because he stumbled over Donghyuck and Jeno’s physics project. It hurts even worse than when Felix left without a word for Australia. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Save it“, Chenle doesn‘t care for the tears he can feel running down his cheeks. „You might wanna get out of my way, just in case my homosexual tendencies are contagious“, he pushes past Jisung. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No Chenle, that’s not what I think!“, Jisung catches his wrist in a desperate attempt to keep Chenle from leaving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Of course you don’t“, Chenle‘s tone is bitter and he angrily rips his wrist from Jisung’s hold to storm out of the library. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Men are trash, Chenle thinks as he‘s stumbling through the streets. His vision is blurry from all those tears and Chenle doesn’t know where he’s running, the only thing that matters is that he gets further away from the library, further away from Jisung and the knife he stabbed through Chenle‘s heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Chenle!“, someone calls his name but he ignores it. Chenle doesn‘t know what he’s running away from, all he knows is that he cannot stop, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>mustn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> stop until his legs give up and he breaks down too tired to run anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Chenle“, something yanks onto his arm and the next thing Chenle knows is that he collides with something- no, not something, someone’s chest. A chest too familiar to belong to Jisung and that’s enough for Chenle right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The body that’s pressed against his own is warm and the hand that’s carefully stroking Chenle‘s hair manages to calm him down, at least enough for Chenle to slowly come back to his senses. It must have started raining at some point, Chenle can feel cold raindrops mixing with his hot tears on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Felix“, Chenle sobs against the other‘s collarbone. He clings onto Felix‘ thin t-shirt as if it was his lifeline and maybe it is. If it wasn’t for Felix then maybe the rain would have washed Chenle away like the fallen petals of the bush across the street, pale blossoms that disappear in the drain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I got you“, Felix whispers into his ear and he does. Felix holds him so tight that Chenle can feel his heartbeat against his shivering body and it calms him, grounds him and prevents him from floating away.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle doesn‘t know how long they stay like this, long enough for the rain to soak all his clothes, long enough for Chenle to calm down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Let’s go inside, yeah?“, Felix wraps his tiny hand around Chenle‘s larger one and leads him into the building behind them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„That’s not a hotel“, is the first thing Chenle says as they step into the elevator. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„No“, Felix simply confirms, „it isn’t“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It raises a lot more questions than Chenle can handle right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„It’s not your grandma’s house either“, Chenle knows it’s not because he has been there countless times, even after Felix went back to Australia because Felix‘ grandmother is a kind lady and bakes awesome cakes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I might not have been entirely honest with you“, Felix admits. The elevator dings and Felix pulls Chenle behind him towards one of the doors. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inside the apartment, there are boxes. Some unpacked, most of them still sealed. Chenle knows some of the stuff that’s laying around. There is Felix‘ old Gameboy, the one that they played Pokémon and Mario on, sitting on an empty shelf and Felix‘ favorite pillow on the couch next to it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I’m moving back to Seoul“, Felix closes the door behind them. Chenle‘s heart does it’s weird thing that it always does when people talk about Felix. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I can tell“, Chenle gestures towards the boxes. „Why?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix shrugs. „Life“, he answers and Chenle thinks yeah, life. Life plays you like Chenle and Felix used to play on the old Gameboy. Life sends you from your homophobic crush into the arms of your ex boyfriend. „I‘ll lend you some clothes, do you want a shower? Some tea maybe?“, Felix offers as he takes off his shoes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Some tea would be nice“, Chenle says. It feels like the world stopped three years ago in this apartment, even though Felix and Chenle never stood in it back then. There is the old chemistry book with its pages wavy because Chenle spilled water all over it back then, there is the cactus Chenle gave Felix for their two months anniversary, there are the sheets hanging around to dry that Chenle slept underneath with his head bedded on Felix‘ chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Do you still like green tea the best?“, Felix asks and opens one of the cabinets. There is some vegemite next to the tea and Chenle remembers how much he couldn’t stand it but Felix used to eat it on toast for breakfast in their bed, crumpling all over the blankets. Chenle never minded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Yeah“, Chenle takes off his shoes and after a moment of hesitation his socks as well. He doesn’t want to get Felix‘ floor wet more than necessary. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix fills two cups with boiling water, adding some green tea for Chenle and some of those horrible artificial fruit teas for himself. The cups are new, Chenle doesn’t know them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Do you want to talk about what happened?“, Felix asks and slides Chenle‘s cup over the counter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Not really“, Chenle sighs and his gaze wanders to the window where raindrops hit the cold glass. Out there is the reality. Jisung in the library with his book, all of Chenle‘s confusing feelings and all of his problems. Here, inside of the apartment, nothing really matters. It’s just Felix and Chenle and a piece of how they used to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Okay“, Felix stirs his cup and then turns towards the boxes. „Let me get you some dry clothes“.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix picks out some sweatpants and a t-shirt for Chenle. It’s one of the ones they bought on their skiing trip with the print is almost washed out but it’s still warm and smells like Felix. Feels like Felix too. When Chenle changes, Felix doesn’t look away. There’s nothing he hasn’t seen anyways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sit on the counter in silence and Chenle remembers how they used to sit on his counter at home while watching how his mother made them hot chocolate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Did you ever have a crush on a straight boy?“, Chenle asks into the silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Oh“, Felix laughs. „All the time, Lele. Sometimes straight boys aren’t as straight as you think though“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle pulls a face. „How do you know?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Because I thought you were straight at first as well“, Felix says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A bitter laugh comes over Chenle‘s lips. „Wow, I‘m probably the least straight person I know“, Chenle takes another sip from the tea. It tastes like long passed winter days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Renjun told the story of your first kiss the day you invited me to sit with you“, Felix explained. „I wasn’t fluent in korean back then but even I got that it was a girl he was talking about“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„That makes sense“, Chenle admits even though he cringes at the memory of his first kiss. „What would you have done if I was straight?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix shrugs. „I would have missed out on one of the best years of my life“, he says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle can‘t help the smile that spreads across his lips even though it technically wasn’t an entire year but who cares? (Chenle did.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>„There’s not much you can do when the other person simply doesn’t like you back“, Felix adds as an afterthought. Chenle‘s smile freezes. There is not much he can do about Jisung. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>✨</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s late at night when Chenle returns to their apartment but nonetheless there is still light in the kitchen. Jisung is still awake, Chenle can tell by the rhythmic tapping of slender fingers against the table even though they pause as soons as he closes the door behind him. Jisung knows that Chenle is there too but Chenle doesn’t feel like facing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slips through the next available door which happens to be Donghyuck‘s and prays to God that his hookup has already left. If there is a God, he doesn’t seem to have a problem with bisexuals because Donghyuck‘s bed is empty safe for the elder‘s familiar frame. Donghyuck is a light sleeper, there is no way he hasn’t woken up by now but he does Chenle a favor and doesn’t speak, he only lifts his covers a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle kicks his shoes off and slips underneath the blanket, pressing himself against Donghyuck‘s warmer body, seeking for comfort. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„I’m glad you’re back“, Donghyuck whispers and closes his arms around Chenle. „We were worried“. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chenle doesn‘t know how much Jisung told them, he doubts that his friends know everything that happened but he’s too tired, too drained to talk about it now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Shit is fucked up“, Chenle whispers back. It seems like it’s enough of an answer for Donghyuck, because Chenle can feel himself getting pulled impossibly closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>„Okay“, is Donghyuck's reply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Okay, Chenle thinks and closes his eyes. They can deal with the talking tomorrow. Maybe. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know that this chapter is a bit short but I really wanted to update before I don’t find the time later this week anymore. For everyone who doesn’t know it yet: I‘m on a trip with my best friend and it’s so awesome!!! Obviously we can’t travel too far because of the Virus but we’re making the best out of it and honestly, exploring your home can be exciting too. <br/>Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this update, I‘ll try to write as much as I can but I‘ll focus primarily on my vacation. <br/>Stay safe everyone and have a great day!<br/>~Saphirsilber ♥️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next day Chenle basically flees their apartment as soon as he gets up. He is not ready to face Jisung and also not ready to answer any questions before breakfast.<br/>

Chenle decides to treat himself and goes to the coffee shop for an awesome hot chocolate and a croissant. Sadly, he can’t really get himself to enjoy it, instead his croissant tastes dull and his mind is occupied with everything but his normally delicious breakfast.<br/>

Park Jisung, who apparently can’t accept him for who he is and Lee Felix, who is moving back to Korea after three years. Chenle doesn‘t know what to think anymore, so he does what every sane person would do: he calls the person who always has the best advice as soon as he prepares himself to leave the warm coffee shop to step into the cool autumn air.<br/>

„I can’t talk right now“, Renjun says as soon as he picks up the phone. „Donghyuck accidentally put his hamster into the washing machine and we don’t know how to stop it“.
<br/>
„He did what?“, is everything Chenle gets out before Renjun hangs up on him. Great, now he has even more questions like why on earth Donghyuck always manages to kill his hamsters in the most irritating way possible but Chenle guesses that this is a puzzle for another day.
<br/>
Sadly, Donghyuck‘s current dilemma leaves Chenle alone with his problems again due to Renjun being busy helping him to get his hamster out of the washing machine. Chenle hesitates and looks at his remaining contacts. Jeno and Mark are still at the gym and the possibility of one of them picking up their phone during workout is pretty low, if not equal to zero.
<br/>
Jaemin it is, he decides and maybe Jaemin should have been his obvious choice from the beginning. After all, Jaemin is the one who got himself a boyfriend who everyone thought was straight.<br/>

„Chenle!“, Jaemin calls out when he answers Chenle‘s call. „Where are you? We were worried about you“.<br/>

„I’m currently leaving our coffee shop“, Chenle says as he pushes the door open. „It was pretty late when I came home yesterday and when I woke up this morning I kinda wasn’t ready to talk so I went out“.<br/>

„But now you want to talk? Or do you want me to pick you up?“, Jaemin carefully asks, sounding unsure.<br/>

„Can we meet at the park? I need advice from someone with a functioning relationship“, Chenle proposes. He hears Jaemin shuffling around on the other side of the line.
<br/>
„Yeah sure, I‘m on my way, give me ten minutes and I‘ll be- is that a hamster?!“
<br/>
Chenle hears Donghyuck‘s screeching, followed by Renjun’s yelling through his speakers and takes that as his cue to hang up.
<br/>
Ten minutes later, Chenle spots Jaemin’s pink hair through the orange of the trees, right as he finds a bench that is more or less dry.
<br/>
„Chenle!“, Jaemin calls out and waves with too much enthusiasm for this early hour of the day.<br/>

„Hey Jaemin“, he greets and offers the other boy a cup of his beloved poison coffee. It’s a silent apology for running away yesterday instead of facing his problems and Jaemin accepts it before he sits down next to Chenle.<br/>

„Do you want to tell me what happend?“, Jaemin asks and he‘s speaking in his I- am- your- mother- whether - you- like- it- or- not voice.<br/>

„Well, how much do you already know?“, Chenle pushes his hands into the pockets of his coat. He knows he has to talk about it either way but that doesn’t stop him from being grumpy.
<br/>
„Just that Jisung came home yesterday completely disturbed because the two of you fought in the library“, Jaemin explains. „He said it was his fault when I asked“.
<br/>
Chenle snorts.<br/>

„That’s because it was!“, he insists. It was- is- Jisung‘s fault after all.<br/>

Jaemin doesn‘t say anything upon that and silently drinks his coffee, waiting for Chenle to elaborate. Fuck him and his stupidly effective mother instincts, really.<br/>

„Jisung is judging me for my sexuality“, Chenle finally blurts out. „He read a book about how to heal homosexuality and then told me it’s not what it looks like“.
<br/>
„Oh“, is what Jaemin says and Chenle thinks yeah. Oh.<br/>

„I just can’t believe… you know, I‘m used to this kind of behavior. Homophobia, I mean. It’s not a big deal, people are jerks and I get that but Jisung…“, Chenle shakes his head. „ I just thought Jisung was okay with that“.<br/>

„Ah, you know how his family is“, Jaemin shrugs. „Just give him time, I don’t think it’s such a big issue for Jisung, he doesn’t seem like the average homophobic asshole. Maybe he simply needs to get used to it“.<br/>

„But I don‘t want to be someone you have to get used to first“, Chenle protests. „It makes me feel like some kind of inconvenience!“<br/>

„Why do you care so much about what Jisung thinks?“, Jaemin asks and takes another sip of his coffee.<br/>

Because I like him, Chenle wants to shout. Instead, he bites his lip but to no use. Between them, unspoken words are lingering and Jaemin happens to be very good at picking them up.<br/>

„He’s my best friend“, he tells Jaemin and it’s not a lie. „I just want him to accept me- all of me“.<br/>

„Oh Lele“, Jaemin pulls him close into a hug.
<br/>
Jaemin knows, Chenle thinks. Jaemin knows what it’s like to be in love with your best friend while knowing you will never have a chance to be with him. Only that Jaemin somehow got a happy end while Chenle is here, crying into Jaemin’s hoodie because Jisung is an asshole that hurts Chenle over and over again.<br/>

___</p><p>Like every master (fool) of fighting, Chenle has been avoiding Jisung and his ridiculously stupid, big, pleading eyes. It’s a tactic that has been working well for him but horrible for everyone else that has to live with the two of them in the same dorm.<br/>

But of course, Chenle can’t avoid Jisung forever and they happen to run into each other one morning. Chenle hasn‘t been sleeping very well and he can tell that Jisung didn’t either, if the dark circles underneath his eyes are anything to go by.<br/>

„Chenle“, Jisung squeaks after entering the kitchen and catching a glimpse of Chenle who originally planned to drink a cup of coffee before leaving the apartment before Jisung wakes up. Plan failed.<br/>

„Jisung“, Chenle replies coldly. Yes, he doesn’t like seeing Jisung sad but Jisung hurt him and Chenle may be a little petty. So what, it’s his right to be.<br/>

„Uh-oh“, Donghyuck says and sips his tea. „I could cut the tension in this room with a knife“.<br/>

„I could cut your throat with a knife“, Rejun mutters and for a brief moment Chenle wonders if he should take away the dirty butter knife that Jaemin left on the table yesterday morning.
<br/>
„Please Chenle“, Jisung pleads but Chenle is already pushing past him. „Just let me explain“, Jisung yells after him but Chenle doesn’t want to hear his excuses.<br/>

He huffs and angily flings the door to his room close.<br/>

„Come on Chenle, you can’t avoid me forever“, Jisung calls out through the door while knocking furiously against the wood.
<br/>
„Go away Jisung“, Chenle pushes his chair underneath the handle just in case Jisung is going to try to corner him in his own room.<br/>

„I swear, it’s not what you think it is!“<br/>
Chenle snorts.<br/>

„And what exactly is it if not your pathetic attempt to heal me from my horrible disease?“, he asks, feeling anger boiling up inside of him again.
<br/>
There is a thud on the door, as if Jisung hit his head against the surface in resignation.
<br/>
„I read it because of me, okay!“
<br/>
Chenle laughs. It’s not a joyful laugh, it’s a cold one.<br/>

„Yeah, sure you did!“, he hisses. It’s the worst excuse Jisung could have delivered.
<br/>
„I swear I don’t have a problem with you and your sexuality!“, Jisung rattles on the door. Chenle is glad he saw that coming.
<br/>
„Prove it!“
<br/>
———
<br/>
„Hi, I‘m Park Jisung“, Jisung introduces himself and bows politely. „And I‘m straight“, he adds like he‘s in a rush and blushes a bit.
<br/>
In hindsight, Chenle thinks, this was probably a bad idea. But of course his petty self would insist on something like that- a situation that can only end in a catastrophe.
<br/>
„Ah“, Felix shoots Chenle a quick glance but he just shrugs, sending him what he hopes to be a reassuring smile. „I’m Lee Felix and I‘m… gay?“
<br/>
„That’s nice, I‘m Chenle and I‘m bi“, Chenle smiles and takes Felix‘ hand to ease the awkward tension in the room. „Shall we start the movie?“
<br/>
Renjun, Donghyuck, Jaemin and Jeno have left the apartment, not without telling Chenle how much they despise Lee Felix and the idea that they’re going to watch a movie on their TV, on their couch, eating their popcorn. But if Jisung wants to prove he doesn’t have a problem with Chenle‘s sexuality, what better way to do it than by watching a movie with Chenle and his ex boyfriend?
<br/>
„No you don’t understand, I just told him I’m straight so he doesn’t have to worry“, Jisung explains and Chenle internally slaps himself for ever thinking that having Jisung and Felix in the same room would solve any of his problems.
<br/>
„Why would I worry about you being straight?“, Felix asks. He still hasn’t let go of Chenle’s hand and it gives him a warm feeling in his stomach, one that reminds him of late afternoons at the pool and endless nights between shared sheets.
<br/>
„You know, just in case I wanted to seduce Chenle“, Jisung‘s voice is tiny and he’s blushing from head to toe.
<br/>
Chenle laughs. He honestly wants to cry but he just laughs because Jisung is stupid and awkward and oblivious.
<br/>
„So you’re saying that if you were not straight, you would like to seduce Chenle?“, Felix asks with a teasing smile. Chenle can feel himself getting stupidly hot.
<br/>
„I-I mean Chenle is a great guy? He‘s kinda… cute? Not that I think he‘s cute but like- objectively and- yeah“, Jisung stutters and blushes even deeper. This is a disaster, Chenle decides.
<br/>
„So objectively, you think that every guy who happens to be into guys would be into Chenle?“, Felix teases and Chenle wished he would stop talking.
<br/>
„Well Chenle is attractive“, Jisung admits and promptly covers his mouth. „I mean I don’t think he‘s attractive! People think he‘s attractive and they’re probably right, aren’t they?“
<br/>
Felix chuckles. „They probably are“, he says and squeezes Chenle’s hand. Chenle shivers at what he is implying, his poor heart is not going to survive this evening. „I‘ll tell you something else, if you manage to seduce Chenle he‘s gonna-“
<br/>
„Alright, that‘s enough“, Chenle interrupts and covers Felix‘ mouth with his free hand.<br/>

Jisung is as red as a tomato and stares at Chenle as if Felix just told him Chenle can do a double backflip.<br/>

„Bathroom!“, he yells and slips through the door fast enough to break every world record.<br/>

„I’m sorry“, Chenle apologizes. „Jisung can be a bit weird sometimes“.
<br/>
„It’s okay“, Felix beams at him because of course he does. „He’s adorable“.
<br/>
Yeah, Chenle thinks. Adorable, gorgeous, clever, attractive, funny, intelligent and sometimes a bit awkward.<br/>

God, what is Chenle supposed to do?<br/>

———<br/>

Felix leaves late at night and Chenle finds himself on the kitchen floor, next to a very sleepy Jisung.<br/>

„Felix is nice“, Jisung says but his voice tells Chenle that he’s lying.<br/>

He snorts, an ugly sound in the otherwise silent kitchen.<br/>

„You don’t like him“, Chenle states and Jisung has the dignity not to protest.<br/>

It’s silent for a bit and Chenle is about to drift off but then-<br/>

„I’m sorry“, Jisung whispers and for a moment Chenle thinks he hallucinated his voice. „This is not about him being gay“, he adds and he sounds weirdly serious.<br/>

„I know“, Chenle turns on his side, so he is facing Jisung. „Renjun told you, didn’t he?“<br/>

Jisung nods and Chenle bites his lip. He knew Jisung would find out eventually what Felix did, he knew his friends wouldn’t stay silent about it if Jisung were to ask but now that he actually knows, Chenle feels weirdly uneasy.
<br/>
„And?“, he asks and can’t help the sarcastic tone in his voice. „Won‘t you tell me that my behavior is stupid? That I‘m going to hurt myself once again?“<br/>

„No“, Jisung shakes his head.<br/>

„Why?“, Chenle crooks an eyebrow. It’s what all his friends did after all.
<br/>
„Because I trust you“, he says and shrugs, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.<br/>

„Thank you“, Chenle whispers and a tiny smile curls his lips upwards. He isn’t sure if he is really that trustworthy when it comes to Felix but it feels good to know that Jisung is on his side even though it hurts.<br/>

It hurts because if Chenle were completely honest, he had to admit that he wants Jisung more than Felix, more than anything in this world.
<br/>
Stupid heart, he curses. Stupid, stupid heart.<br/>

Chenle listens to the ticking of their clock and the scratching of Jisung‘s pencil on the paper as he writes down percentages and possibilities. Chenle is tired and he wonders if there is a possible future for Jisung and him, maybe as more than what they are now: two friends on the kitchen floor.<br/>

„Can you do me a favor?“, Jisung asks after a long while. It’s early morning by now, the first signs of the dawn are already appearing on the pitch black sky (except that the sky in the city is never really black, it’s always more of a dirty gray).<br/>

Chenle hums as an answer. Soon, his alarm is going to ring without Chenle being asleep even for a second but that’s okay. Sometimes Chenle enjoys just existing with Jisung in their own little world where time doesn’t matter and everything is more peaceful. If he isn’t careful though, he’s going to pass out right here on the kitchen floor (Chenle knows because it happened before). The cold marble tiles feel good against his hot skin.
<br/>
„Can you kiss me?“
<br/>
Suddenly Chenle is wide awake.
<br/>
„What?“, he asks because that has to be a dream. Chenle is totally asleep right now because if he were awake, Jisung would never ask him something like that.
<br/>
Jisung takes a deep breath.<br/>

„Kiss me“, he repeats but there is something in his eyes, something like fear, like panic and maybe excitement, Chenle can’t tell.<br/>

„I’m not sure what you are saying“, Chenle says because he isn’t. Is this a trick? Is Jisung mocking him?<br/>

„Chenle“, Jisung puts his pencil down with determination and looks into his eyes. Chenle shivers because it feels like Jisung is staring at his soul. „Kiss me“.
<br/>
Chenle gulps and looks at Jisung, beautiful, gorgeous Jisung.<br/>

He pinches himself, making sure that this is real.<br/>

„Okay“.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello, first of all I am so sorry about making all of you wait this long for an update. I just decided that I didn’t like the original plot anymore and had to rewrite and figure shit out. But! Now I am back on track.<br/>I know this chapter is pretty short and the cliffhanger is super mean but I promise I‘m going to upload the next chapter asap and it will be a really long one.<br/>I hope all of you are well!<br/>Have a great day and stay safe,<br/>~ Saphirsilber </p><p>Ps: Come ask me about my cats on Twitter (@saphirsilber)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Chenle‘s gaze flickers from Jisung‘s eyes to his lips that look so inviting in the first rays of golden sunlight. </p>
<p>This is it. Chenle closes his eyes and leans forward.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am so sorry but I seem to have problems with formatting. I‘m trying to fix it as fast as possible because I personally find works that are not formatted properly incredibly unpleasant to read. I‘ll update it as soon as I can! </p>
<p>Edit: It worked out :) Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>„Okay“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle‘s gaze flickers from Jisung‘s eyes to his lips that look so inviting in the first rays of golden sunlight. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This is it. Chenle closes his eyes and leans forward. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His lips touch soft skin, so hot against his own and Chenle can feel Jisung‘s nervous breath against his cheek. He is frozen underneath Chenle‘s touch and when Chenle carefully lifts one hand to find Jisung’s neck he jerks forward in surprise, further into Chenle‘s kiss. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„For a proper kiss, you need to kiss me back“, Chenle mutters against his lips, his eyes opening lazily to find Jisung staring at him like a deer caught in the headlights. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Okay“, Jisung whispers before he presses his eyes shut and almost forcefully connects their lips again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle can‘t help the smile and when Jisung retreats, he follows him until Jisung is trapped between the kitchen floor and Chenle‘s own body. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle kisses him like a starving man and Jisung kisses him back, a little unsure, a little careful but his lips are against Chenle‘s and it feels like a dream. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Until it’s a nightmare. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly Jisung shoves him with all his strength and Chenle isn’t sure what’s happening, he is still drunk of Jisung’s kisses but he can feel his back colliding with the oven. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Stop it!“, Jisung calls out and then he is on his feet, faster than Chenle can register. „This is wrong!“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Jisung…“, Chenle begins, not sure what he did wrong but he knows that Jisung is going to run and he can’t let that happen, so he reaches for Jisung’s wrist, right as Jisung is about to leave the kitchen. „Jisung-“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„No!“, Jisung interrupts him and rips his wrist from Chenle‘s death grip. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a moment they both look at each other and somewhere deep inside of Chenle hope bobbles up. It’s going to be alright, they’re going to figure this out, they’re going to-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„You’re the devil“, Jisung whispers and then he is gone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle sinks to the floor and allows himself to cry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>———</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle tells himself that this is not a big deal. Chenle is fine, he can deal with this situation and most importantly, Chenle is definitely not heartbroken. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung doesn‘t talk to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This is fine. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle is okay. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s been three days and it’s not fine. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Jaemin asks him what has happened, Chenle makes a dismissive gesture and wills himself not to cry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle can‘t sleep. He is laying in his bed and he keeps turning around, nothing can soothe the ache in his chest. But this is not a heartbreak. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung and him have only ever been friends. So what if Jisung doesn’t want to kiss him and hold his hand? Chenle is fine with that. There are plenty of fish in the sea. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix texts him but Chenle doesn’t feel the usual butterflies anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because Park Jisung killed them all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because maybe they only ever lived for him.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle wills himself to forget about it. On the fourth day, he decides to go to the cinema with Felix, so he puts on his skinny jeans and his best shirt and hides the dark circles under his eyes with half a gallon of concealer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tonight, Chenle is going to feel like he’s wanted, Chenle decides. He is going to kiss Felix, he’s going to let Felix kiss away the sadness, to prove himself that Chenle can still snatch boys left and right, that Park Jisung was nothing but an accident. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I‘m hot, he tells himself. Desirable. Sexy. Everything Park Jisung is never going to have. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He repeats it like a mantra, while he smudges on purple eyeshadow (the one that Felix always has loved), in the bus on his way to Felix apartment and when he finally knocks on the door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When it opens Chenle almost believes it himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Hey Chenle“, Felix greets him wearing nothing but a towel and Chenle tries his very best not to stare because staring is rude but god, if Felix doesn’t look gorgeous like that. „I‘ll be ready in a minute, let me just put on some clothes“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Sure“, Chenle says even though he wouldn’t mind if Felix just stayed like this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Felix flashes him a smile and then heads back to the bathroom while Chenle kicks off his shoes. Maybe he should cook some tea, lord knows how long Felix is going to take to get ready. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle steps into the kitchen and reaches for the kettle but. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But there is a man sitting on the couch, playing on Felix‘ old Gameboy, wearing the same hoodie Chenle used to borrow. On the shelf above him, the cactus Chenle gifted Felix sits right next to swim trophies that don’t belong to Felix because Felix never competed and there is a photo of the guy and Felix, standing on a sunny beach in Australia. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Hi“, the guy greets him, sending a little wave across the room. „You must be Chenle, right? I‘m Chan“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle can only stare, at the bed that is too big for only one person to sleep in, at the dirty dishes in the sink that clearly belong to two people, at the marks on Chan‘s neck that have the shape of Felix‘ mouth (Chenle knows because he has bared those marks himself). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Good to finally meet you“, Chan says. „Felix has told me a lot about you“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle wonders how he could have missed all those signs. The records piling in a corner that Felix would never listen to, the extra set of clothes that are messily shoved onto a chair, the bookshelf that is filled with books that Felix never read.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I should go“, Chenle croaks out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He can hear Chan calling after him but he’s already out of the door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What a fool, oh, what a fool Chenle has made of himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>___</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This time, it’s not a heartbreak. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn’t hurt anymore, not like it hurt when Felix first broke up with Chenle. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And maybe Chenle only craves the feeling Felix used to be able to give him. Being free, young and in love, so bravely in love because Chenle was so innocent and never learned that love must hurt. Now Chenle isn’t brave anymore because his innocence has been stained like blood dripping on white snow, melting away all his courage. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But it’s fine, he decides. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He cries on Donghyuck‘s shoulder that night and he doesn’t know anymore if it’s because of Felix or Jisung. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I need a drink“, he decides when there are no more tears left to cry and Donghyuck wordlessly gets up, reaching for a bottle of liquor. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I’m not going to tell you not to drown your sorrows in alcohol but last time you did you cried on Lee Felix‘ voicemail for an hour and a half straight“, Donghyuck says as he fills two shot glasses to the brim. Of course he drinks with Chenle like the good friend he is (or like the wannabe alcoholic he is. Chenle isn’t sure). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle rolls his eyes and wills the memories away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„That’s not happening today“, he says and hands Donghyuck his phone who slips it into his pocket with an approving smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle lifts his glass and Donghyuck clinks his against it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Fuck men“, Donghyuck says and Chenle is pretty sure he means it in a very different way than Chenle. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still, he nods and drowns the liquor. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck men. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>___</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„We need to talk“, Renjun says when he corners Chenle against the coffee machine. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle sighs, Renjun is the third person today. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He repeats what he has already told Donghyuck and Jaemin: „I don’t want to talk“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Well boohoo“, Renjun puts his coffee mug down on the table with more force than necessary. He doesn’t look too keen on having this conversation either. „We both don‘t have a choice because Donghyuck keeps annoying me to talk to you about it and Jeno threatened to cut off my supply of chocolate protein shakes if I don’t“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle bites his lip and remains silent. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Renjun sighs and shoves a chair at Chenle. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Sit“, he commands and Chenle follows this weird reflex where he just does what Renjun asks him to. „Tell me what happened with Jisung“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle snorts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„He called me the devil, that’s what happened“, he says and god, does he sound bitter about it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Is this about his repressed feelings?“, Renjun asks and he looks like he is about to suffer from having a broken vessel in his eye. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„About his what?“, Chenle splutters, almost choking on Renjun‘s coffee that he just deemed as free real estate. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„You know, him struggling with his homosexual feelings“, Renjun makes a weird gesture and pulls a face like he just bit into a citron. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Jisung is straight?“, Chenle protests but it sounds like a question. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Renjun massages his temples. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Of course he is“, he snorts sarcastically. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle is confused. If Jisung is not straight this means his reaction wasn’t about him kissing a boy but about him kissing Chenle. It stings even worse. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Stupid heart. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle pushes his chair back, he is not crying again. Chenle has cried enough. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Hey!“, Renjun grabs his wrist. „Where are you going? We‘re not finished yet!“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Yes we are“, Chenle says and stumbles over a pile of paper on the floor. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And that’s a habit of Jisung: to let his calculations lay around, he doesn’t have a folder like Renjun does for his art, because Jisung doesn’t appreciate math, he just uses it as a distraction, as a method to busy himself and to sort his thoughts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the kitchen floor lays a piece of paper. There’s a rather easy equation written on it, one that’s simple enough for even Donghyuk to find a solution to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>However, there isn’t. Because Jisung made not one, but three mistakes, so utterly trivial. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn’t have an answer. Underneath the many numbers is just a big question mark. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle snorts and turns around to leave. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Where are you going?“, Renjun is quick to block the doorway. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„To Felix“, Chenle lies. If he says he’s going to see Felix Renjun is not going to follow him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A vein on Renjun‘s forehead pulses and his head becomes an unhealthy red color. Oh no. Chenle knows what that means. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„You know what Chenle?“, Renjun explodes and he’s shouting now, angry Renjun always has Chenle wanting to hide. „You’re no better than Jisung. He might not be able to admit liking boys but you’re unable to admit that Lee Felix isn’t the saint you thought he was!“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That has Chenle stop in his steps and suddenly, he doesn’t want to hide anymore, he wants to jump Renjun and slap his stupid face that and stuff something in his stupid mouth that always, always tells the truth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Well what do you know about love, Renjun!“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a low blow and Chenle feels sorry about it the moment these words leave his lips. Something in Renjun‘s gaze shifts and for a second Chenle can see the hurt and the pain in his eyes and all he wants to do is sink to his knees and beg for forgiveness. But then suddenly the moment is gone and Renjun‘s eyes grow cold. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Apparently a lot more than you!“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle feels tears welling up inside of him.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„You know maybe I try my very best with Felix to distract me, idiot!“, he yells, hoping that his anger can drown out his sorrows. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Distract you from what, from all those years you spent crying after him?!“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„From being in love with Park Jisung!“, he shouts. It’s out and it feels like a weight has been lifted off Chenle‘s shoulders. „Yeah, you weren‘t expecting that, huh? I‘m in love with Jisung and you never even came close to notice. Look who’s the blind one now, you stupid fu…“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle trails off because Renjun is not staring at him. He‘s staring at a point behind him and Chenle closes his eyes. Please don’t let it be him, please, if there’s a god, please don’t let it be him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He turns around. In the doorway stands Park Jisung. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>———</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„This is an intervention“, Jaemin declares as he steps on his chair. They’re at the coffee shop in their usual corner and at this point, none of the staff members bat an eyelash at Jaemin’s antics anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Jeno, get your man“, Chenle groans. He should have known that this was a trap but the promise of free coffee and cake convinced him to let himself get dragged out of their apartment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„My man is right“, Jeno declares and Donghyuck nods. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Sit down“, Renjun yanks at the hem of Jaemin‘s shirt, almost ripping it off him in the process. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„You can‘t silence me!“, Jaemin kicks at Renjun who curses under his breath. „This is an intervention demanding information from Zhong Chenle regarding his relationship with Park Jisung“, Jaemin points at the printed out picture of Jisung he taped to an empty chair, „and Lee Felix“, he points to another chair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Donghyuck boos at the mention of Felix‘ name and Renjun smacks the back of his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I refuse to speak“, Chenle says and shoves another piece of cake into his mouth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I figured you would say that“, Jaemin sighs. „Jeno, the contract please“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jeno pulls out a napkin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I, Zhong Chenle“, he reads out aloud, „declare that Huang Renjun, Lee Jeno, Na Jaemin and Lee Donghyuck have the right to call for an intervention if I, Zhong Chenle, ever get into severe emotional trouble and show irresponsible behavior as a result. I promise full cooperation. Signed, Zhong Chenle, Huang Renjun, Lee Jeno, Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle groans. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I signed that drunk off tequila and emotionally unstable“, he tries to argue but he knows it’s a lost case. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Is that a coffee stain?“, Renjun asks and pulls the napkin closer to himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Irrelevant“, Jaemin finally steps down from his chair. „Lele, we are worried. Tell us what’s going on“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I like Jisung“, Chenle admits. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„You like like him, right? Liking as in more than just a friend?“, Jeno asks, just to make sure. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Yes, Jeno, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>like</span>
  </em>
  <span> like him“, Chenle rolls his eyes. „Sometimes I wonder how you got a boyfriend“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„You’re not the only one“, Renjun mutters. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„What about Felix?“, Jaemin asks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Felix doesn‘t matter anymore“, he says. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Stunned silence follows his words, along with four pairs of eyes that stare at him like he just declared he stole the Monalisa. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„That’s… good“, Jaemin finally says. „How did that happen?“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle shrugs. He doesn’t know or maybe he does. Maybe it has to do with Park Jisung. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„But that‘s great, isn’t it?“, Donghyuck asks. „This means you can go get some with Jisung“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Excuse me!“, Jaemin shrieks. „My baby will not engage in such horrible acts, you may kiss him on the mouth once a week, Chenle“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„You’re not Jisung’s mom, Jaemin“, Renjun rolls his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Yes I am, I birthed him“, Jaemin declares. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Doesn’t matter“, Chenle interrupts before their conversation can escalate. „Jisung doesn‘t want me“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„You don’t know that“, Donghyuck says with a weirdly soft voice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Yes I do“, Chenle says. „Because I kissed him“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„On the mouth?!“, Jaemin shrieks but this time, Jeno shuts him up with a flick on his forehead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Yes“, Chenle swallows. „He called me the devil and ran away“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Don’t forget your accidental confession in the kitchen“, Renjun interjects. „To which he responded by crossing himself and running away“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Thanks Renjun“, Chenle says sarcastically. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Admitting to one’s sexuality is hard“, Jeno says and he says it quietly. He takes a deep breath and looks at them. „I think I‘m demisexual“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Uh, that‘s- congrats on your coming out?“, Chenle stammers. This conversation just made a weird turn. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Thanks“, Jeno smiles sheepishly. „It was hard at first because I thought I was gay and I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to change my sexuality. I thought if I changed it too often people would think that it’s all just a phase and wouldn’t take me seriously anymore“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„We support you, Jeno“, Donghyuck cheers and waves for the waitress to order everyone a round of shots. Espresso shots, because it’s too early to be drinking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaemin ends up drinking them all but the gesture is nice and somehow Chenle forgets for a few minutes about all his problems. He is so thankful to have such good friends. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On their way out, Renjun touches his elbow lightly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I think you should talk to Mark“, he says. „I have a feeling that he might be able to help“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>———</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle‘s knocks on Mark’s door are soft and usure. It’s already pretty late but the light bleeding out from underneath Mark’s door and the gentle guitar music indicate that Mark is still awake and Chenle needs answers. He doesn’t want to wait until tomorrow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Hey Chenle“, Mark greets when he opens the door. „Wanna come in?“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Thanks“, Chenle says and walks past Mark, taking a seat on the bed next to the guitar. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mark closes the door and when he turns around, he smiles. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„This is about Jisung, right?“, he asks and Chenle sighs because of course Mark knows. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Yeah“, Chenle falls back into the array of pillows. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Well“, Mark says and grabs his guitar, carefully leaning it onto the wall before taking a seat next to Chenle, „go ahead“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Am I the devil?“, Chenle blurts out and wow, this question did sound a lot less childish in his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„As in the antichrist?“, Mark furrows his eyebrows. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle nods. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Then, no“, Mark says and Chenle visibly relaxes. „But“, Mark speaks up again and Chenle tenses, „if you are the temptation, then yes“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Temptation?“, Chenle asks with a tiny voice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Temptation to sin“, Mark explains. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Oh“, Chenle says. So this is what Jisung meant. Chenle still feels like shit because that still means that Jisung probably hates him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Am I a sin?“, he asks next. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„God, no“, Mark smiles at him. „You’re a child of God, just like me and everyone else, how could you be a sin?“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„But I‘m bi!“, Chenle calls out. „I lay with men in a way that I shouldn’t, right?“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mark sighs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Look, Chenle“, he says. „I wish I had an unambiguous answer for you, but the thrush is, I don’t. There is a lot of room for interpretation in the bible, I think, and every Christian has the right to build his own opinion. You know I‘m queer, so I chose to believe that God is okay with my lifestyle“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„But how?“, Chenle asks and dammit, there are tears welling up in his eyes again. „How do you justify it?“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mark reaches over to his bedside table where a bible rests and opens it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Here, 1 John 4:8“, he points at the passage so Chenle can read as well. „„Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love“. If God is love, how could he be against love?“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle remains silent. Love is love, he told himself so many times until the words were burned in his thoughts and he believed them himself. Mark is right. If it says right here in the Bible that God is love, then he should be okay with Chenle loving Jisung, right?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Or look“, Mark turns the page, „a little further, in 1 John 4:16 it says: „So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him“. I feel like God can’t hate me for love. Because I don’t think that God deems any love as wrong“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„And does Jisung know? Does he know that God won’t hate him for loving me?“, Chenle asks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I mean, you know where to find him, right?“, Mark says. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle swallows the lump in his throat and nods. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Good“, Mark gets up and awkwardly pets him on the shoulder like a dad that just taught his son how to throw a football. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>———</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The church is dimly lit and Chenle hesitates before he actually steps over the doorstep. It feels like he’s sinning, like he’s offending God just by his mere presence in such a holy place of worship. This is exactly the reason why Chenle hasn’t stepped a foot in a church in over three years. He recalls Mark’s words and takes a deep breath before finally stepping into the church, the heavy door falling shut behind him with a loud thud. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There is a basin with holy water right by the door but Chenle ignores it, too afraid he’s overstepping any boundaries. His steps sound weirdly loud as he makes his way towards the aisle. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the third row kneels Park Jisung, his tall frame unable to hide him between the benches even with his head bowed, deep in his prayers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle feels the butterflies in his stomach come to life and despite repeating Mark’s words in his head over and over again, it feels wrong. It feels wrong to feel for Jisung so strongly in a place like this and suddenly, Chenle can relate a tiny little bit with Jisung.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He swallows and then slowly makes his way down the aisle until he reaches Jisung‘s bench. Jisung hasn‘t looked up and Chenle wonders if it’s okay to intrude like that. He takes a seat at the end of the bench. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The presence of the large cross at the end of the room feels heavy on Chenle‘s shoulders. He looks at Jisung, who still hasn’t noticed Chenle and them back at the cross. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle folds his hands and kneels down. It feels weird, the only time Chenle is kneeling he is usually- okay, never mind, Chenle won’t be thinking about that in a church. Chenle hasn‘t prayed in a long, long time but now feels like an appropriate time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hey God, it’s Chenle. I know it’s been a while, but thank you for being okay with my love. There is already so much hate in the world, so much loathing and abhorrence. I‘m glad you don’t hate me. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If you truly do know everything, you also know about my love for the boy over there. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle steals a glance at Jisung.</span>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Please give him strength because I know that realizing and accepting your feelings takes a lot of it. And please show him lots of love as well, because he is a good boy and he deserves to be loved. I‘m not entirely sure if he feels the way I do or if he is okay with that yet. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If he isn’t, that’s okay as well. I hope that I can be there for him nonetheless and if he needs me to be a friend instead of something more, then I‘m okay with that as well.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thought of Jisung not loving him in the same way as Chenle does pains him. But Chenle has survived heartbreaks before. It won’t be the end of the world. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle just wants to be with Jisung. If he can’t be that as a lover, he will do it as a friend, even if Jisung is going to hate him for his feelings. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Chenle has to tell him, properly. And he needs to know if he has a chance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Also, I‘m sorry in advance for what I might be doing in a minute. Wish me luck!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle gets up. Then he realizes that he forgot something very important and sinks back to his knees. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Amen. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shuffles along the bench until he is sitting next to Jisung. A part of him feels bad for interrupting Jisung‘s prayers but Chenle can’t wait any longer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Hey“, he whispers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung jerks up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Chenle!“, he yelps and he looks like he is about to have a stroke. „What are you doing here?“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle scrunches up his nose. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I talked to Mark“, he begins. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„O...kay?“, Jisung looks at him with furrowed eyebrows. He looks adorably confused and Chenle can’t help but smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„We talked about God“, Chenle says and swallows once. „And love“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Oh“, Jisung lowers his gaze. Is he blushing?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Mark says he believes that love can never be a sin. Because God is love“, Chenle reaches for one of the books that are laying on the bench. „It says here that… uh…“, he flicks through the pages, looking for the passage Mark showed him. „Just a second, it has to be somewhere… uh… Huh, Mark’s bible looked kinda different, give me a moment“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Chenle“, Jisung says and when Chenle looks up, Jisung hides a smile behind his hand. „This is a hymnal, not a bible“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Oh“, Chenle turns the book to look at its cover. Indeed, a hymnal. „Actually“, Chenle puts the book down and great, now he’s blushing too, „what I meant to say was that love is love. And that I don’t think God could hate you for any kind of love“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung looks at him with big round eyes. Chenle takes a deep breath. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I think I love you, Park Jisung“, Chenle says and it feels good to say it. „And if you are okay with that love, then I would like to hold your hand and kiss you and call you my boyfriend“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung doesn‘t say anything for a long time and Chenle gets a little nervous. But silence is no rejection yet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After what feels like eternity, Jisung carefully reaches for Chenle‘s hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I think I like you too“, he says. „But I still need to figure out a lot of things“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„That’s okay“, Chenle steps a little closer, the butterflies in his stomach almost making him feel like he is about to explode. „I‘ll be there for you“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Thank you“, Jisung whispers and links their hands. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Tell me if I‘m moving too fast“, Chenle says. „I‘ll wait for you no matter how long“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„Okay“, Jisung says and Chenle takes that as his cue to bring one hand up to Jisung’s cheek where traces of dried tears rest. Chenle silently promises himself that from now on, he is going to be the one to dry these tears and kiss the pain away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes flick to Jisung‘s lips that look so inviting and Chenle feels like he can’t stop smiling. Because he is allowed to kiss these lips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He leans forward, eyes falling close and he can already feel Jisung‘s breath ghosting over his cheek when a hand on his chest stops him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chenle jerks back, afraid that he scared Jisung away and ruined everything before it could even begin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable!“, he takes another step back, giving Jisung room to breathe and to bring enough space in between them so Chenle can’t touch him anymore, even if he tried. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>„No, no“, Jisung steps forward and takes Chenle‘s hand with a shy smile again. „I mean, I want to kiss you“, he admits. „Let’s just not do it… here“. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And right, they’re in a church. Chenle sends another silent apology to God before he grips Jisung‘s hand tighter and takes him home. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>___</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the end, it’s all good. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung is comfortable with kissing boys- not with kissing boys but with kissing Chenle. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaemin is comfortable with being gay and kissing Jeno, just how Chenle is comfortable with being bi and kissing Jisung (because being in a same sex relationship doesn’t make him gay). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jeno is comfortable admitting being demi because it doesn’t matter if he thought he was gay first. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mark is comfortable with his sexuality as well- without telling anyone because it’s nobody‘s business but his very own. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Donghyuk, Donghyuk is fine too. Because Donghyuk doesn’t have to label anything, he’s fine with lingering somewhere in between the drawers, because Donghyuk doesn’t have to name his sexuality to enjoy kissing whoever he wants. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the end, they can all kiss whoever they want and Chenle presses his lips against Jisung‘s. It’s all good. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello everyone! <br/>I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter and are as satisfied with the ending as I am. Thank you so much for all the support, your comments always make me smile and motivate me to keep writing. <br/>I hope everyone has a great day! Stay safe :)<br/>~Saphirsilber </p>
<p>Find me on twitter (@sahirsilber) and tumblr (justmiasthoughts)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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